Saturday, September 30, 2006

So much for the the whole "Canadians-as-polite-folk" thing?

Beacuse, in both life and in blogging, The Ford almost always arrives late to The Official Party, he gives you a whole competition centered on The Hottest NFL Cheerleader.

No handicapping from The Ford this time, especially since the lone NFL cheerleader The Ford actually knows -- call her The Official Sea Gal, thanks to her time both at The Official Paper of The Official Alma Mater of The Official Blog of The Ford and her marriage to The Ford's former high school soccer teammate -- is apparently disqualified.

Go figure. Anyway, here's the rest of the 2007 Sea Gals. (Unfortunately, the Sea Gals do not travel with The Official NFL Team, leaving The Ford Field oddly bereft of cheerleaders on the opening weekend of the NFL season. Sad, really...)

In other news, The Ford's not quite sure what this vodka is selling, other than getting laid. Of course, that's probably enough.

The worst part of being a Tigers fan this year? Yeah, that's be scoreboard-gamecast-watching the Royals suck it up against the Twins, and then seeing them do the complete opposite against the Tigers. (Though scoring 4 runs on 3 HRs in the 11th, and giving two of them back in the bottom of the inning is almost enough to convince any remaining living Royals fans to off themselves, right now, right here...)

Seriously, though, is there anything more frustrating than knowing that in a clutch situation, Teh Twins are sending Mauer to the People, Michael "Ya better damn well know how to pronounce my name" Cuddyer and Justin "No relation to Rebecca de Mornay" Morneau, while The Official Sports Mistress is sending up Pudge Rodriguez, Chris Shelton, and, on some occasions, Neifi Perez, to the plate.

What else is there to say but ... OY.

Oh, and the Royals still suck, so the Tigers should be OK.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Hmm... where to start on the recap of the week/weekend that was?

Let's break this down, bullet-style:

1.) Drinking. Mostly just beer, though The Ford did decide, at one point, to drink ballpark margaritas instead of Budweiser. But, yeah, there was lots of beer, from Labatt to Blue Moon to Newcastle. Actually, that was a three-beer swing as The Ford was listening to ...

2.) Music. Cliff Bells downtown features a 16-piece jazz orchestra every Wednesday. The Ford quite enjoyed it as he was recovering from a battering bout of ...

3.) Women. (Yeah, threw ya a curve there, eh?) Yes, The Ford got stood up by his date on Wednesday. Well, not entirely stood up, as much as he was, basically, ignored for two days before the date, as The Ford attempted to lock in dinner plans. Which, The Ford supposes, is fine, since it just left him more chances to go see ...

4.) The Tigers. Three games did The Ford see this week. Only one did the fair Tigers win. Them ain't good results, folks. Still, the games were close, and the atmosphere, for mostly meaningless games, was electric. You know things are good when an opposing team's home run ball is thrown back onto the field ... by a member of the bullpen. (Todd "Rollercoaster" Jones!) Then again, every Tigers game attended means a free ticket to a ...

5.) Gentleman's Club. Actually, The Ford mostly showed some restraint here, though he did encounter a VERY friendly dancer one night after a Tigers game. He'd explain, but there's probably rules against it without some sort of age verification service.
(Yes, the older The Ford gets, the more his life becomes like an idealized version of high school again, with him drinking clandestinely, staying out much later than he should, going to too many baseball games, hanging out in dark rooms where over-sexed and under-sexed folks grope semi-blindly at each other with varying levels of success, and The Ford semi-regularly attempts to figure out if any of the several semi-regular women he hangs out with on a semi-regular basis are actually semi-interested in him semi-romantically. Frankly, all that's left is to grow six inches over the summer and go back to never wearing jeans.)

Of course, not more than two days later, The Ford hears, though his backchannel sources, that someone has been going around posing as The Ford at various clubs. OK, not posing, but they've been identified as The Ford, when, well, they aren't. And, really, it's not various clubs, but one specific club. Still, the fact remains: There is an Unofficial Ford running around out there. You have been warned. Beware The Unofficial Ford of The Official Blog of The Ford. Accept no substitutes...

And you wondered why The Ford is so big on bonafides.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Someday, The Ford will be incredibly, edibly old.

And when he is, he damn well better get an NYT article.

At least, after he's done something with his life, that is...

Monday, September 25, 2006

The big advantage to having buildings falling down all over the effing place here in the 313?

You get visits from giant robots.

Well, kinda.

Or maybe just Michael Bay.

Who's kinda the big giant robot of action-movie directing.

Mostly, The Ford's just peeved this'll probably mess up his preferred BBQ joint in the near future.

Soon, soon, The Ford will have a T-shirt with a page he did on it.

And then he will get more of them, give them to women, and take their picture.

As dorky ways to hit on women go, it's awesome.

(Much better than taking their picture with the book he designed recently, or with the Yzerman book cover, or with the Shock poster he also designed. And, yes, all the Official Folks on The Official Christmas Gift List should pretty much know what they're getting from The Ford.)

Thanks, Official Baseball Mistress.

Thus Self-Promoteth The Ford...

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Y'know, The Ford has never thought of himself as particularly old, despite his numerous references to "those dang punks" at the mall.

Nevertheless, when he goes browsing SI's swimsuit site for "classic model" wallpapers for his phone, and the oldest he can get is Kathy Ireland, who, last The Ford checked, was peaking around The Ford's 12th birthday, and Paulina Porizkova (who played a pivotal part in The Official Puberty Years), well, The Ford starts to feel a bit peaked.

Especially when he starts to reminisce on Ireland's Oscar-caliber effort in "Necessary Roughness," also known as "The Movie with The LAMEST Kathy Ireland Shower Scene. Ever."

C'mon, where's the Cheryl Tiegs, SI?

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Hells. Yeah.

Oddly enough, The Ford lives above a pancake house, and across the street from a titty bar. And here the two meet in a vaguely-safe-for-work way....

Making breakfast fun again... voila!

Meanwhile, on the other end of things, Detroit is still up for "Most Masculine City." Really. There's even an argument from one of The Ford's coworkers at The Official Newspaper. (And you thought The Ford was the only fella there who'd locked down this whole Internest thingy...)

Yes, it's official.

The Mariners are officially trying to woo The Ford back to the teal-and-blue fold.

First came a thrilling September series in Detroit -- The Ford was present for two games of it -- in which the M's, The Ford's baseball wife, proceeded to beat the hell out of the Tigers, The Ford's baseball mistress.

And then, upon seeing how The Ford gravitated to his bleeding, but not broken, mistress, The M's then go out and destroy The Mistress' main rival, an act The Ford likens to trying to revive the relationship by agreeing to a menage-a-troi with The Mistress. On film.

And now?

Now, The Wife is kicking Ron Fairly to the curb.

OK, technically, The Redhead is leaving of his own accord, but still, The Ford can finally look forward to a season without actually comtemplating turning off the sound when Fairly comes on.

Well, if he actually watched any Mariner broadcasts live anymore, that is.

In any case, The Ford's not sure what stage this event represents in the Wife/Mistress battle; perhaps, in addition to the whole threeway thing, it's the Wife getting lipo to remove about 180 pounds of telecast dead weight.

A couple of free-agent breast implants (say, The Kelso Kid , and the Man from Mars?) and, well, The Ford might be forced to completely give up on the Mistress.

Especially if The Mistress stops "putting out" in the playoffs.

Thus Metaphorizes The Ford.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Once, oh yes, once, The Ford was an angry young man.


Well, he's still angry, but he's learned to medicate much better (i.e., drink early and often), and he's prone to having solid days like Thursday, during which he...

1.) Got a decent haircut, despite the shop being closed upon The Official Arrival of The Ford

2.) Read numerous comic books and TPBs, to the point that even The Ford was telling himself, "Dude, you've gotta get out more..."

3.) Took out the trash.

4.) Recorded a decent score at Golden Tee -- a score that would have been much, much better had The Ford not developed a mysterious hook on the back nine.

5.) Ended up meeting up with, um, a Semi-Official Gal of The Official Blog and making dinner plans for next week.

6.) Drank heavily, including at least three shots of Jose Cuervo. The Official Mom'd be so proud.

7.)Ended the evening with a spirited discussion of fantasy football over a fine meal of White Castle. (Needless to say, no Semi-Official Gals were present...)

In short, a full evening for a guy who didn't wake up till 4 p.m., and spend 2 hours "watching" the Tigers game on ESPN's GameCast.

Thus Relaxeth The Ford.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Combining the immediateness of video, the awkwardness of a really, really bad voice mail, the annoyingness of a 12-year-old, the commercial tie-ins of a show on Fox, and the rack of a non-supermodel, we give you, um.... this...

Six words: "we're going on a road trip..."

It's alive?

It's always nice, when one is "an urban pioneer," at least according to the L.A. Times, to find out one might be getting a grocery store within walking distance.

Even if one does have to find out from The Official Competition. Even if one does have to believe the Ilitch family.

Apparently, them Tigers are winning enough to save all of downtown. The Ford senses a made-for-HBO movie in this, if only they can win the World Series.

Perhaps starring The Rock, as either The Ford or Jim Leyland. The Ford hasn't decided.

It's tough to argue with a day that starts with chili and "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip", has more chili in the middle, albeit from a different, higher-class establishment (as evidenced by the real chunks of tomato), and ends with a near-orgy of jazz, Irish music, in-depth discussion of comic books and baseball playoffs, and beer.

Oh, and there was a girl.

So, uh, that was nice.

If only The Ford had managed to complete his lone chore for the day: GET. A. HAIRCUT.

Eh. Perhaps tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Why, yes, The Ford does have Tigers playoff tickets. Now they just have to make the playoffs. Oh, and it'd be nice if they could schedule some day games, too...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Sometimes, it's good to take stock of what you KNOW vs. what you THINK.

For example:

1.) The Ford THOUGHT it might be interesting to read about supermodels' pissing habits.

And now?

The Ford KNOWS he never wants to read/hear the term "hover pissing" again. (Although it does answer his lifelong question of how exactly women were urinating in most of the bars he hangs out in.)

2.) The Ford THOUGHT Neve Campbell might look cute with shorter hair.

And now?

The Ford KNOWS this is not the case, and, in fact, KNOWS there is probably a Man Hands joke somewhere in there.

3.) The Ford THOUGHT it would be kinda embarassing to get beat up by a nude woman with a towel.

And now?

The Ford KNOWS it would be kinda embarassing to get beat up by a nude woman with a towel. But also kinda hot.

4. ) Meanwhile, The Ford THOUGHT Victoria Beckham was the hottest of all the Spice Girls.

And now?

The Ford's a little scared. Not as scared as he is of a towel-wearing Holly Valance, but still...

Thus Knoweth The Ford.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Yes, there's semi-breaking news in The Fordland...

The Ford's gonna have a new mom.

OK, well, a new step-mom, at least.

Yes, it turns out that The Official Dad of The Official Blog has been courting a Russian Bride-ski. And, after several trips to Russia, finally sealed the deal with a marriage proposal late last week.

Truthfully, for once, The Ford is at a loss for words. He's happy for The Official Dad, but, at the same time, vaguely worried for his happiness a few years down the road.

Especially with courting photos like this...
What do we take from this?

Well, probably that The Ford gets his uncomfortableness in photos from The Official Dad's side of the family, and also that, should that be the case, well, The Official Russian Bride-ski, or "Elena" as The Official Dad calls her, should fit right in.

More breaking news: Official Russian Bride-ski has an 11-year-old daughter, meaning that soon, The Ford will have not only an Official Half-Sister (from The Official Dad's First Marriage), but will soon add an Official Step-Sister.

God help her entering The Official Family of The Official Blog of The Ford.

She'll need it.

This can't end well, can it?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Catching up on the blog vacation....

Sunday: Saw The Official NFL Team steal one from the Lions. Pretty good game, and solid seats to bot, thanks to an inside connection. Just one thing... how does The Ford always end up in the same row at road games -- no matter the sport -- with the SUPER FAN who annoys everyone in the section, regardless of their rooting interest. 'Cause, y'know, it's cool to be hyped up and all, but a 3-yard gain by Shaun Alexander just isn't that exciting.

Also, The Ford feels bad for all the Lions fans who've shelled out the dough for Harrington and C. Rogers jerseys. Ouch. This is a major reason why The Ford is still without a 'Hawks jersey. He just can't bring himself to commit to a player who'll likely be leaving him before too long. In this way, the search for a jersey mimics the search for The Official Gal.

Tuesday: Sat through some semi-decent rain to watch Carlos "The Iron Lung" Guillen destroy the Rangers. Good times. The Ford can't quite decide who should be fired first, GM Bavasi, for dealing Guillen for RAMON FREAKIN' SANTIAGO, or Mike Hargrove, just on general principle. The Ford's rooting for both.

Tuesday was also a night for phrases. For example, if only a famous physics thought experiment had been "schroedinger's breasts," and not "schroedinger's cat," there'd probably be a thriving generation for quantum physicists coming of age right now. (Yeah, there's probably a cat/pussy joke in there, but The Ford's gonna steer clear.)

Also, The Ford was told by several women that he is very classy. Classy. No idea what that means.

Classy is becoming perhaps the most meaningless compliment in the English language. Unless Ron Burgundy is involved.

Thus Classy-fieth The Ford.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Ford does not make excuses.

The Ford DOES make explanations, and for those folks who think those two things are the sam, well, The Ford tells them to go to hell.

At which point he had to make "explanations" for why he's so unexpectedly harsh.

So, um, there's three paragraphs that "introduce" the explanation of a very, very spotty blogging schedule for the past week.


Well, The Ford is pretty much always overworked, overboozed, and undersexed.

Usually, this results in more posts.

Last week, with even more booze and a bonus houseguest -- ineligible for Official Houseguest status on the basis on his not being a woman -- it resulted in fewer posts.

These are the risks you take for free content.

Moving on, in the way The Ford does, despite the lack of a decent transtion ...

On the list of jobs The Ford might like to have, well, there's a listing for "Dude who comes up with the "The More You Know" PSAs.

'Cause if The Ford was doing them, you wouldn't get dumbass shit like, "Don't let your friends pressue you into drinking."

Instead, you'd get quality tips like. "Make sure everyone in a group is on the same drunkenness level."

The Ford deeply belives that the key to a relaxing night of drinking is making sure that everyone in a group is equally drunk.
It's not that everyone has had the same number of drinks; The Ford's Theory of Drinking Relativity applies here. ("Drink your weight. He who is light should drink lightly; he who is heavy should drink accordingly.")

Without this, you get hot drunk babes ready to grind to their favorite songs, and dudes too self-conscious to enjoy it.

Because if there's a hot drunk girl -- say, perhaps, a drunken Official Hot Bartendress on her night off -- ready to dance ... REALLY ready to "dance," and both her boyfriend and The Ford are still catching up to her in drunkeness (and, thus, NOT ready to "dance"), well, that's just a damn shame.

You end up with two dudes gamely grinding with a gal extraordinarily incompently, and no one goes home happy.

Other than the boyfriend, one assumes.

In other news, this was going to be a link to the World's Sexiest City voting.

After all, Detroit is up for "Most Masculine City," and The Ford can't help but feel slightly responsible, considering he moved to town THIS year.

Really, going from last year's "Least Sexy City," to "Most Masculine" in just one year?

Totally all The Ford.

(What's that? "Least Sexy City isn't a categort this year? Eh, whatever.")

Anyway, supposed to be all 313-centric, but then The Ford sees the roster of "Most hetero cities":
19.5% (80 votes)
11.5% (47 votes)
Portland, ME
11.5% (47 votes)
Washington, D.C.
33.4% (137 votes)
24.1% (99 votes)

Hmmm... one of these cities is not like the other, and The Ford's looking at you, Maine...

Anyway, cast your vote ASAP.

(Detroit is 2nd in Most Masculine City. Yeah, The Ford's that masculine.)

Monday, September 04, 2006

Time to check in with The Official Departments of The Official Blog...

The Obvious Statements For Stand-up Comics To Use Department:
"What's the deal with vacations? Seems like you're always more tired at the end of them than you were at the beginning."

Good to know, fellas, and oddly timely, considering The Ford's Official Mini-Vacation this weekend.

Next up, The Less Obvious Statements For Stand-up Comics To Use Department:
"In America, you eat carp. In Soviet Michigan, CARP eat YOU! Eh Eh Eh!"

Also timely, considering The Official Newspaper's page-turner on "Killer Carp!"

OK, looks like The Sports Department has settled into three sub-divisions: 1.) Mariner fans geeked about The Ford's impending opportunity to catch two of the Teal and Blue's visit to the CoPa; 2.) Tigers fans freaking out about the collapse that isn't really costing them any games in the standings, somehow; and 3.) the fantasy football geeks, taking a day off from a grueling week of drafts. (These are The Official Blog's guys who popped up when The Ford was breaking down Kevin Curtis' 2005 season, game-by-game. They get laid even less than The Ford, if such a thing is possible.)

Speaking of not getting laid, let's see what The Official Id has to say...
"I say, old boy, it's a pleasurable sensation to see young Miss Lavigne on a magazine cover, even if it is in French. While we're handing out the plaudits, The Official Id would also like to commend several young ladies on their appearances at the VMAs. Or rather, allow the good folks at Hollywood Tuna to do so, since The Official Id always believes in giving credit where credit is mostly due. And now, my good man, we're off for a bit of tea and titty bar, just as the Queen Mum intended it..."

Er, well said, there, Mr. Id.

Finally, since we're about done with this hack approach to a blog post, let's check in with The Official Drunkards of The Official Blog:

"Um, that's SOOOO awesome, Ford-dude. Dude! You should totally blog about this other blogdude that compared The Official NFL Franchise to Budweiser beer. Dude, I totally wanted to puch that guy in the face, until he started to make sense. So I just keyed his car. Tooootally, dude. But then, like, I heard this girl yell out "I'm sooooo drunk," and I sorta forgot why I was standing next to my car. Dude. She was fucccking hot, dude. And drunk. And hot, dude. Wait, what we we just talking about? Was it Lindsay Lohan? She's sooo hot. Dude, you gotta hit that when she visits Detroit."

Um, when is she visiting Detroit?

"Dude! Like, tomorrow!"


"Pssh. PSYCH!"

Exit The Ford, muttering about how there's gotta be a way around the budget cuts forcing him to use local frat boys and sorority girls to staff The Official Drunkards Department. Even if the girls do find REALLY good parties. Dude. Maybe The Official Id could cover for them...

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Dear Steely Dan,

Please have less "Asia" "Aja" and more Deacon Blues at your concerts.

Also, if possible, could you deal Michael McDonald to some other tour for a blow-up doll half as hot as your backup singers? 'Cause, dudes, seriously, they are hot, and something half as hot would be a HUUUUGE improvment on Ol' McDonald. (Though he WAS pretty entertaining for an opening act, eve as people clearly unfamiliar with the standing ovations stood up and aplauded applauded. In the middle of the song. Amatuers. Amateurs)

Other than that, great concert. See you in 2024. Laters....

The Ford