Thursday, November 30, 2006

This is a post for all the West Coast readers of The Official Blog.

Not that it's an attempt to start some sort of West Coast-East Coast-Midwest blog war, but really, if you're in the Midwest or on the East Coast, you're probably familiar with The Ford's activity Wednesday night: Killing hookers.

No, wait, actually it was just euchre.

The Ford always gets those mixed up.

In any event, The Offical Bar hosted its first Official Euchre Night, which, thanks to some mathematical rule, The Ford imagines to be The Official Euchre Night of The Official Blog of The Official Ford of The Official Bar of The Official Blog of The Ford.

Damn, synergy takes a lot of words sometimes.

In any event, after three weeks of admitting The Ford does not know how to play euchre, and hearing the question, "Well, have you played spades?", to which The Ford always answers, "Well, kinda," The Ford finally knows how to play euchre.

(Not so much spades, though. He vaguely remembers the rules, but prefers to block them out in favor of the rules of hearts. The Ford's a lover, don'cha'know?)

And how.

In his first euchre tournament, The Ford finished in a respectable tie for first place.

As The Ford occasionally says, any tournament you walk away from in first place is a good one.

Especially considering The Ford spent 20 minutes trying to convince The Official Seahawks Beat Writer that euchre does actually exist.

So that's something.

(Oh, and The Ford also played a pretty mean game of Golden Tee. But, heck, that's almost expected now, eh?)

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Someday, someday, The Ford will have just one rooting interest in a single evening.

But Monday was not that day.

First, The Ford got to witness the first loss by The Official NHL Franchise while he was in attendance, thanks to some ridiculuous play by Mr. Zetterberg (who was not one of the Three Stars of the game, for some reason not apparent to anyone who actually WATCHED the game).

And then, the world evened itself out with a come-from-behind win by The Official NFL Franchise, so that kinda evened things out.


Never mind that The Ford was wearing gear supporting the losing team. Never mind that said gear, apparently such a drastic change from the usual style of The Ford, reportedly made him quite invisible to those not already alerted to his presence.

Not, the thing to mind is that, somehow, Seattle had snow, and Detroit had 60-degree temperatures all day. And is forecasted to have the same for the rest of the week.

The Ford thinks he's gonna stop considering the implications of all of this until it snows in Detroit.

There's no metaphor there; he'd just really like some snow soon.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Someday, someday, The Ford will be the drunkest idiot on a pub crawl, the guy everyone feels sorry for and embarrassed by.

Saturday night, though, he was just the single guy with a high tolerance for alcohol.

Thanks, pre-funk. Thanks, Official Bar that makes sure The Ford gets at least three beers after work, regardless of when he gets off.

The Ford has to admit that the one advantage of being the last survivor of a pub crawl is being able to choose the music at the home/pre-funk bar. and when one does a good job (Stevie Ray Vaughan, Buddy Guy, Buddy Holly, Cake, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra), well, it's a good feeling.

Not a good feeling that gets one laid, but still, at the end of the night, The Ford knows he's done his job, sheparding everyone back to the homebar safely, and giving them awesome tunes to boot.

Makes up a bit, he supposes, for rooting for the Fuckin' Trojans over Notre Dame.

Eff it.

Let the rest of the nation enjoy the pain The Ford feels every time The Official Alma Mater loses to the F'rojans....

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Ford would like to say that, after three days of seeing the preparations for Detroit's annual Thanksgiving parade, which should be rolling past The Official Window in about three hours, that he is prepared for it.

He is not.

He went out last night for The Official Pre-celebration of The Official Birthday of The Official Drinking Buddy.

Which is not to be confused with The Official Celebration of The Official Birthday of The Official Drinking Buddy, which actually arrives Saturday.

Of course, sometimes, at such things, you wander into an impromptu lesbian sex show, as well, as not one, but TWO fights between a boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yes, if this was the Pre-Celebration, The Official Celebration should really be something.

On the bright side, The Ford also got to watch Harold and Kumar go to White Castle -- while eating White Castle.

It's a meta-life, y'know?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

MILESTONE ALERT (albeit a geeky one):

The Ford is no longer teeing off in Golden Tee from the red tees.

No, after three months of vaguely dedicated play -- including three weeks of almost nightly play on the new 2007 courses -- The Ford has dropped his handicap from something around -10 to +2.

Of course, this means The Ford routinely gets his ass handed to him by The Official Drinking Buddy, among others, but at least he won't get shit about losing while shooting from the red tees.

Even better, in Game 1 from the blue tees, The Ford actually set a personal record for strokes under par at -8.

(He then proceeded to bogey or double bogey the final 7 holes, but we're not focusing on that....)

Then again, he was also carrying on conversations with two lovely ladies who, being new to the whole Golden Tee experience, requested explanations on how the game works.

The Ford's not gonna blame the ladies -- a true playa never blames tha game, dog -- but, really, he might have shaved a couple of strokes off his final score without the interruptions.

Then again, if he'd focused on the ladies, he might have shaved a few strokes off something else, if you catch The Ford's poorly constructed double entendre.

Eh, screw it. It was a good night, full of fine women, song, beer and golf. In no particular order.

Thus Parreth The Ford.

Monday, November 20, 2006

As The Ford tries to forget that The Official Alma Mater TOTALLY Coug'd it against the Huskies (again), The Official NFL Team couldn't beat the freakin' Niners, and The Official Fantasy Teams went 0-8 this week, he's left with two things:

1.) He does not work at this paper...

... nor does he want to. But he might not mind it during the World Cup. (Mostly, he just figures that the hours spent knocking out the backgrounds on the women might make up for the seeming MONTHS he's spent zooming in on crotches when knocking out actual athletes. But hey, they're just pixels...)

2.) The Official High School's heading to the state semis in football, with an outside chance to face Centralia in the finals. Granted, it's not the rivalry The Ford enjoyed with Olympia and Capital back in the day, but, well, at least it's a team he actually played against. (granted, it was in soccer, but hey, a matchup's a matchup...)

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Bo Schembechler's dead, and everyone from Michigan AND Ohio State is sad.

It's a weird rivalry.

The only thing comparable The Ford can think of for The Official Rivalry Game would be Rick Neuheisel.

But, of course, if he died, both team's fans would be happy.

OK, not really, but The Ford is considering starting a band called The Dead Neuheisels. All the members will be named Rick (Dick might be acceptable), have to wear turtlenecks and lie about interviewing for jobs and participating in forbidden basketball pools.

Yeah, this is totally gonna go over huge in Eugene, too. And probably Boulder.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Really, The Ford's barely easing back into this whole "watching TV" thing, with a show caught online here, a show caught in a bar there, etc.

But, um, why do they even bother with a plot on "Las Vegas"?

Ridiculously hot women wearing next to nothing -- unless they're the classy gals, in which case they're fully clothed but, er, frippling out -- plus Jimmy Caan chilling?

OK, it's not quite appointment television for The Ford, but, still, there's something to be said for it.

Mostly after The Ford's thrown back a few at the bar, though.

(Even when Nikki Cox is on...)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

It truly does not matter how tired/jaded/drunk you are: 30 minutes of Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke, followed by 2 hours of blowing shit up as Chewbacca in Lego Star Wars II will absolutely cure what ails ya.

And now, to sleep, perchance to dream of a Coug victory in The Official Rivalry Game of The Official Game of The Official Blog of The Ford.

Go Cougs.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Boy, y'know, it's tough to say which takes more air out of The Ford's balloon, two straight losses to the Arizona schools, both of which, well, probably aren't as good as The Official Alma Mater, or knowing that, while having 6 wins and being bowl-eligible is pretty sweet, you're in a class of schools that include, hmm, let's see:

Kentucky (6-4)
Southern Miss (6-4)
Tulsa (7-3)
Middle Tennessee (7-3)
San Jose State (6-3)
Two of the three Directions in Michigan (Central and Western, both 7-3)

Hell, even Idaho is only two wins from being bowl-eligible this season.

Looks like The Cougs are just one win over the F'Uskies away from guaranteeing at least a fifth-place finish in the Pac-10, and a trip to San Francisco.

This. Does. Not. Bode. Well.

Saturday, November 11, 2006


Gary Sheffield.


Yeah, The Ford's trying to be excited about the move -- hey, TANSTAPP! (There Ain't No Such Thing As Pitching Prospects!) -- but really, he's just kinda annoyed that the Tigers not only had to trade a major pitching, TANSTAPP!, minor league pitcher, but had to pay Sheff about $14 mil a year for two extra years.

The Ford doesn't know much, but if you say you'd like to join a team because you want to reunite with your favorite manager of all time, um, shouldn't you maybe cut them a break on the price.

Cause, y'know, The Ford's a cool guy to hang out with, full of witty observations and deep soulful eyes that seemingly yearn for a good conversation, but he's not getting a discount on too many lap dances.

(Waitasecond, is it fair to compare pro baseball players to strippers. After all, they're just hard-working professionals who wish to make the most from their main talents. Lumping them in with guys like The Sheff -- a guy who reportedly tanked plays to get traded and threw his bosses under the bus in New York -- is just wrong.)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Ford got a haircut Wednesday.

Actually, to paraphrase an old joke, The Ford got several hairs cut, right on top of his head.

Reactions have been mixed, though apparently split down the middle gender-wise.

All the guys The Ford has talked to have soundly criticized the haircut.

All the gals The Ford has talked to have come out in favor of the haircut.

So... who to side with, the gals or the pals?

Hell, if nothing else, it's nice to once again be without mutton chops AND not have to wait 20 minutes for The Official Hairstyle to set before The Ford goes to work/battles the Michigan wind.

For now, The Ford's gonna go with the pals, based solely on the suspiscion that women are much better at talking their fellow women off the ledge when they get a bad 'do, while guys are pretty much blunt about whether the 'do is good.

Then again, The Ford didn't get his hair cut to impress the dudes.

Truth be told, it's all to impress the soon-to-be-once-more Ms. Spears, now that she's dumped K-Fed.

Is there a hotter single MILF right now than Britney?

The Ford argues not, though, for some reason, when he staged this debate last night, he was presented with this choice: "Dude, who would you bang, Britney Spears or Salma Hayek?"

To which the correct response is, oddly enough, not "Salma Hayek" -- though she is far and away the hotter of the two -- but instead, "Both," for any hypothetical universe that would allow The Ford to "bang" either of them is surely so skewed that, well, he could bang both.

At once?

Well, that's a blog post for another day, true believers...

(And yes, there would be pics of both haircuts -- though none of Ms. Spears or Ms. Hayek -- for complete strangers to judge, if only The Ford could figure out how to get pics from his phone into his computer. Apparently, just beating one against the other does no good. Sigh. Technology.)

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Really, there are few movies -- especially among the subgenre of baseball flicks -- The Ford enjoys as much as Major League.

Another viewing, slightly drunken, and still The Ford picks up something new.

Two things tonight:

1.) The only proper response to the "Too high/Too hard" debate is, "Who gives a shit? It's gone."

2.) The Ford is convinced Lou Brown's decision to shorten the Indians' rotation to three men (Kellner, Harris and Vaughn, with Vaughn occasionally coming out of the 'pen as well), while winning the AL East for the Tribe, probably cost them years of contention. Lou Brown: Brilliant motivator, but horrible for young pitchers. Kinda like Dusty Baker, when you think about it.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Y'know, living out here in the 313, where OSU-UM hoopla is starting to build up to ridiculous proportions -- 11 DAYS LEFT UNTIL THE BIGGEST GAME EVER!!!!! -- it can sometimes be easy to forget about the one game that really matters.

The Apple Cup.

Yes, in just 11 days, it'll be The Official Alma Mater hosting The F'Uskies on the rolling hills of the Palouse.

And, yeah, it may not be for a national title shot, but it'll probably determine which bowl the Cougs -- and The Ford -- go to.

And if that wasn't enough, you had this happen Monday night:

Yes, that's Tyler Brayton, grandson of legendary WSU baseball coach Bobo Brayton (the man half of the Cougs' Bailey-Brayton Field is named after) kneeing the former F'Uskies standout-slash-fuckup Jerramy Stevens. (Stevens is also from the greater metropolitan area The Ford called home for many a year growing up, as well as a high-school associate of The Official Bad Road Driver, but we're not gonna discuss that much.)

Now, Brayton went to Colorado, so it probably wasn't Apple Cup-related. Actually, scratch that.

The Ford doesn't believe it's Apple Cup-related mostly because he has a hard time believing that Stevens -- the fella who managed to hit one of thosd fast-moving, suddenly appearing nursing homes with his car -- might connect Brayton and WSU, much less care about the Apple Cup.

But, as The Official Driver's Ed Instructor of The Official Blog of The Ford pointed out tonight, "While I certainly don't condone kneeing a guy in the nuts, if the guy getting kneed is Jerramy Stevens and the guy doing the kneeing is the grandson of Bobo Brayton, well ... let's just say I understand."

Well said, sir, well said.

Go Cougs.

11 days left.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Apparently downtown Detroit is about 9,000 folks short of really hitting the "critical mass" needed for self-sustaining growth.

So, uh, if you know somebody moving to Michigan, point 'em this way...

On the plus side, apparently those 6,500 living downtown are, like, totally edgy and hip.

Then again, The Official Apartment has 24-hour valet parking, a security card, and an exercise room. How edgy could he be?

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Someday, when The Ford has crossed over into the realm of international espionage, he will schedule all his secret rondevouzes (rondevouzi? roundevouzees?) at crowded bars, popular with the younger, upwardly mobile set. That is to say, the folks who spend all day making money, and all night spending it while getting drunk and dancing. (It's simliar to The Ford's M.O., but with less of the working, and more of the spending, drinking, and dancing. Scary as that is.)

In said bar, The Ford will be able to conduct all sorts of business virtually unnoticed by the natural clientele, and unrecorded by most modern surveilance methods.

And then, when some shit blows up in a foreign country (whose name certainly wouldn't rhyme with Stanada), The Ford will retreat to another bar -- one quiet, yet filled with music from a good jukebox; deserted, yet filled with hot women looking to live on the wild side; small, but easy to move around in.

Eh, screw it. The Ford may just skip all that espionage shit and just hang out at that second bar.

Oh, wait, he does.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Ah, the end of The Ford's first 2-day weekend in nearly 5 weeks, as well as the return of his Internet connection...

Gosh, it's almost like a blog post was ordained from on high.

Today, well, today was a day of capitalism in all its forms.

1.) Tried Wendy's latest experiment in hamburgerology, the Jalapeno Cheddar Double Melt. Which also included bacon, for some reason. And pepperjack cheese. And like so many good movies, it was the bacon and the pepper jack that stole the show from the higher-billed ingredients. OK, the jalapenos deserve some Oscar buzz, but really, the cheddar was phoning it in like Marlon Brando in every movie after The Godfather.

2.) Picked up some DVD boxsets of TV shows (The Wire, The O.C., Undeclared), all mostly nerdy enough to let The Ford keep his Official Geek Card for another month. (His whole "I've never read the Lord of The Rings Trilogy" keeps him on probationary status indefinitely.)

3.) Picked up two of the three best comedies of last year (Wedding Crashers and 40-Year-Old Virgin), and almost completed the trilogy with The Aristocrats.

4.) Spent 30 minutes mulling whether one electric razor was truly worth twice the cost of another. Decided it was. Just shaved with it, and, once again, The Ford was totally right. Best. Shave. Ever. Even if it did take him 20 minutes to set the analog clock in it.

5.) Earned more Geek Points with the purchase of a classic Transformer (Bumblebee) for The Official Cubicle. Man, if Transformers had been this cool -- or this well-made -- when The Ford was first buying them, he'd never have stopped. A drastic difference from GI Joes, which have just gotten shoddier in 20 years.

6.) Bought a pack of A-frame undershirts (wifebeaters to you and The Ford, though not to Fruit of the Loom) well before realizing The Ford just looks like a shabbily attired pro wrestler in them.

7.) Luckily, The Ford backed himself up in his need for undershirts with some regular Ts. For some reason, they come in a resealable bag. Seriously. The Ford's not sure why he might ever need to reseal his T-shirts, short of demonic possession, and he's not sure he wants to be sure.

8.) Played the new Golden Tee 2007, which hit town Thursday. New game, same results for The Ford: pretty close to par, which he supposes is more than he can say for The Official Drinking Buddy. Then again, The Official Drinking Buddy is shooting from the black tees, and can putt decently to boot. The Ford'll be 10 shots behind him by this time next week.

9.) Met some ladies. They were friendly. (Far more capitalistically than The Ford would have liked.)

10.) Finished off the evening with lamb-stuffed grape leaves. And some Mountain Dew. Oh, those Greeks.