Yes, it's official.

The Mariners are officially trying to woo The Ford back to the teal-and-blue fold.

First came a thrilling September series in Detroit -- The Ford was present for two games of it -- in which the M's, The Ford's baseball wife, proceeded to beat the hell out of the Tigers, The Ford's baseball mistress.

And then, upon seeing how The Ford gravitated to his bleeding, but not broken, mistress, The M's then go out and destroy The Mistress' main rival, an act The Ford likens to trying to revive the relationship by agreeing to a menage-a-troi with The Mistress. On film.

And now?

Now, The Wife is kicking Ron Fairly to the curb.

OK, technically, The Redhead is leaving of his own accord, but still, The Ford can finally look forward to a season without actually comtemplating turning off the sound when Fairly comes on.

Well, if he actually watched any Mariner broadcasts live anymore, that is.

In any case, The Ford's not sure what stage this event represents in the Wife/Mistress battle; perhaps, in addition to the whole threeway thing, it's the Wife getting lipo to remove about 180 pounds of telecast dead weight.

A couple of free-agent breast implants (say, The Kelso Kid , and the Man from Mars?) and, well, The Ford might be forced to completely give up on the Mistress.

Especially if The Mistress stops "putting out" in the playoffs.


Thus Metaphorizes The Ford.