Friday, June 16, 2006

So, so many things to comment on, The Ford might abandon most of his writing conceits. Other than the whole third-person thing. The Ford really, really likes that one. Who knew?

1.) Let's start at the source of so many inspirations: The Official Vending Machine of The Official Newspaper.
In a desperate effort to rehydrate after an early Tigers game, The Ford punched the button combo for Grape Gatorade. (The review of said combo? Less satisfying than any move performed by a female character in Tekken, more satisfying than anything done by Honda or Blanka.)
WTF? Grape Gatorade is no longer purple? It's now blue?

The Ford doesn't know whether he ended up with some freaky isotope -- there was some blather on the label about it being "Fierce" Gatorade -- but frankly, if there's a rule The Ford lives by in this world, it's that four flavors of Gatorade should be identifiable by color alone: Red, Yellow, Orange and Purple.

Now, they've taken Purple away from The Ford. What's next, his right to bear arms? His right to free speech? His right to get freaky with an employee of a gentleman's club? (Oh, right, only two of those are constitutionally protected. Perhaps not coincidentally, they're also the only two with a shot in hell of happening, as well as the only two that were a concern in Revolutionary War times. Though The Ford hears Martha Washington knew how to shake her moneymaker.)

2.) A few weeks ago, The Ford, um, "pointed" out Jennifer Aniston's early arrival at CBS' Early Show.
But we live in the now, and the now just happens to be World Cup time, when the attention of the entire world is focused on Germany.

Except for the U.S., which is, quite frankly, focused on almost anything else.

Thus, The Ford offers, as a public service, Ms. David Beckham, doing her best Jennifer Aniston impression. (There's probably a "soccer ball" joke in there somewhere, but The Ford's movin' on.)

3.) Flashback time!
The Ford had but one goal yesterday: Buy pants. And yet, thanks to Banana Republic's almost-insane refusal to recognize actual American sizes, he failed.

You wanna know why more Americans than ever before shop at Wal-Mart?
It's not because they're everywhere. (Though they are.)
It's not because they offer decent products at a decent price. (Though they do.)
It's not even because they'll let almost anyone walk around barefooted, even throught the aisles featuring food products. (This, too, do they do.)
It's because average-sized Americans can walk in there knowing they'll probably be able to find a pair of pants that fits them.
It's because they recognize that most guys with a 34 inseam might need a waist size slightly larger than 32.
And yes, it's because they recognize that once you've selected your big and/or tall pants, you're likely to want a jumbo pack of Pop-Tarts.

Luckily, he had a secondary mission: To buy a new belt. (Apparently the previous night's sojourn at a local gentleman's club had a less-than-beneficial effect on the one belt he owned.)
And there was Eddie Bauer, stocked to the hilt with belts.
Which is why The Ford is now the semi-pround owner of not one, not two, but three belts. Ladies, beware; The Ford's pants will now be perfectly suspended on his waist.

4.) The danger of following blogs back to their source; The Brits are brilliant, but thank God they suck at CGI, or certain adolescent (and adolescent-minded) males might never leave their computers. (And yes, The Ford may have thought about Ms. Spears' interview with Matt Lauer tonight as he was running this applet through its paces. He's not proud. Just bad at self-censoring. As well as tuning out the conversations of his coworkers about the history of Ms. Spears' chesticles.)


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