Sunday, May 28, 2006

Thoughts from The Ford as he attempts to survive "EXPOSURE: The Detroit Techno Music Festival," hitting downtown Detroit just one week after the oddly, but much shorter, named "Downtown Hoedown."

Yes, it's a good time for music in Detroit. And baseball (TIGERS!). Though not, apprarently, for basketball. Go figure.

1.) Wow, all of a sudden, downtown Detroit seems hip and alive with young people. No, wait, those are just the damn dirty hipp...techno music fans. Everywhere The Ford goes on his first dinner break in a week (thanks, early deadlines!), there's quasi-hot gals wandering about. Of course, they tend to be draped, in a seemingly X-induced touchy-feely state, across some guy who's not nearly as handsome and dashing as The Ford.
Which should really tell you something about the quality of the guys hanging out downtown this weekend.

2.) It's surprising how the obvious lack of a bra can really ratchet up a gal's hotness. Think of this as the Hippie Addendum to his previously stated theory of the Skankiness Index adding to a woman's Hotness Quotient.
Now, The Ford's not stumping for a bra-less society; he likes the illusion of "perky," even at the risk of false advertising.
But the possibility, however remote, of unfettered udders, under however many layers of clothing, well, now, that's a special level of hot. Call it the "Drew Barrymore Rule."

3.) Why is Detroit so freaking hot? It's not even May, and The Ford's already ditched his habit of taking a jacket with him everywhere. Any warmer, and the pants will become shorts. The shirts will become T-shirts. And the shoes, well, the shoes will stay shoes. The Ford distrusts sandals. You've been warned.

4.) What, exactly, is the proper response to a hot woman who walks up to you in a bar, runs a vibrating device down your spine and drunkenly explains, "It's a massager, not a 'brater"? Seriously, the possible sentences that leapt to The Ford's mind basically caused his brain to jam up, a sort of paralysis by autokinesis. (Yes, The Ford used a rhyming dictionary. You think not being funny is easy?)

5.) When did " 'brater" become proper slang for a vibrator? Or was that just the drunkeness chopping off the first syllable. 'Cause, y'know, alcohol and enunciation are the Hatfields and McCoys of bar conversation.

6.) Were there a branch of symbolic logic devoted to The Ford's life, one equation would have to be: Heat + Technomusicfestival = Bewilderment + intriguement + Ford.

7.) How do people ever hook up on X? Isn't the mental calculus required to distinguish actual interest from drug-induced touchy-feeliness way too much arithmetic for someone also on X? Or do people just not care?

8.) Or do they care, but by the time they realize it, their single layer of clothing is already over there in the corner? Hmm. A less-than-persuasive arguement for underwear. Thus supposeth The Ford.

9.) One way this decade is way, way better than the 1960s, aside from the lack of lynchings and civil-rights-induced riots? The way The Ford can secretly lust after the scantily-clad ladies, AND be bothered by their relaxed attitudes toward recreational drugs, and not have to feel like a hypocrite or a Republican. He may feel horribly repressed AND amused, but a hypocrite? Nope.

10.) How many times can The Ford utter, under his breath, "Damn dirty hippies" this weekend, without ever actually getting within three blocks of the festival?

11.) Why do things like techno music festivals (this weekend) and comic-cons (last weekend) always happen on days The Ford has to work? Oh, right, because he works weekends.

12.) Is "The Ford: He works weekends." too presumptous to put on business cards? Or just presumptous enough?

13.) Is this the longest The Ford's ever gone in a post without a quasi-naked woman, or even just a link to an outside source.

14.) Probably.

15.) Is The Ford the only person, along the lines of that good German word "Schadenfreude," who enjoys reading columns from ombudsmen, even ones as seemingly neutered as ESPN's?

16.) Probably.

17.) Would this be a good spot to a link to a lady?

18.) Anything under 18 is jailbait, man. (Which brings to mind today's best/most-horrifying alternative to the "Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed" phrase occasionally uttered around The Ford: "If there's grass on the field, play ball!")

19.) Because 19 always feels right, this reinforces Thought No.2, plus, you've hung around this long, dear reader, so you deserve a bonus, it's Jennifer Aniston. Showing up for CBS' Early Show. REALLY showing up. If you get the crude double entendre. If not, just click on the damn link.

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