Thursday, June 15, 2006

Y'know, The Ford's still not sure how he ended up at a gentlemen's club last night.

He was at the Tigers game, minding his own business, and then there was talk of "free beer" and "naked women," and before long, there was The Ford, enjoying beer that surely was not free, and women that surely were naked. It was a "Guys' Night Out," surely covered by any conceivable application of Man Laws, especially when no lapdances are involved.

Tonight, though?

Well, that was just supporting a neighborhood business -- one across the street from The Official Apartment -- that's been down on its luck.

The Ford believes both the terms, "Stripper jail" and "stripper purgatory" were used in reference to tonight's watering hole.

As such, not even his white-trash-WASP upbringing can make him feel entirely guilty for visiting said club.

Especially when the ratio of strippers to customers at said club stands at 1-1. Matter'a'fact, that was also the ratio of strippers to Fords. 1-1.

And thus, The Ford brings you, dear reader, The Official Lessons of The Day:

1.) Never visit "stripper purgatory" on a Wednesday. Friday and Saturday may not be much better, but you've got no one else to blame on a Wednesday.

2.) If lapdance Nos. 1 or 2 were unsatisfactory, Lapdance No.3 will probably NOT be appreciably better, in the same way that a pitcher unable to strike anyone out in the second inning will not become Nolan Ryan in the sixth.

3.) Never start drinking at the strip club; arrive drunk, and get drunker. Both your bank account and your strippers will be happier, and more attractive.

4.) Making small talk with a woman is good. Making small talk with a naked woman is OK. Making small talk with a naked woman while paying her approximately $20 every 4 minutes? Neither fine, nor OK.

5.) Perhaps said stripper, feeling comfortable, will offer to split her drink with you. Accept, enjoy, and think not of the "Kids in the Hall" sketch, "Girl Drink Drunk." Anytime a topless woman offers you a bright blue or green drink, well, at that point, you may be drinking a girl-drink, but you're doing so as a man.

6.) If all else fails, know this: You could be this guy. (Goodnight, Cleveland!)


At 4:52 AM, June 15, 2006, Blogger Marcus said...

A link to "Girl Drink Drunk"


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