Monday, June 05, 2006

The Ford went to the Tigers game Sunday.

Not for any particular reason, other than, well, he likes baseball, and is willing to hack his sleep to four hours to watch an early game.

Oh, and he also turned 27 on Sunday, adding another reason to go to the game. The big 2-7.

Following the game, he went home to chill out, maxing and relaxing, then went and read some comic books, then went drinking, then went to a gentleman's club with a friend.

A good day all around.

In honor of that, here's just fewer than 27 thoughts that occured to The Ford at the beginning of Year No. 27. ( there would have been 27 thoughts, but that seems like a lot of work for The Ford to do on a day when he's been drinking heavily.)

1.) Bud Light is not your "bud," your pal, or even your acquaintance. Nor does it weigh signifigantly less than any other beverage of a similar size.

2.) Why do people insist on doing the wave during close games? The Ford understands baseball games can seem boring to the uninitiated, but at the same time, most folks are paying at least $15 to get in the door at the game. You'd think the least they could do is pay attention until the game is out of reach. The wave, by definition, is a useless cheer, since it doesn't encourage either team. All it say to the players is, "Hey,we're bored, so we're going to amuse ourselves with pointless gestures around the stadium." Leaving your seat to masturbate in the bathroom does approximately the same thing, and will probably leave you more satisfied at the end.

3.) Why do people INSIST on leaving their seat during the inning? Or returning to their seat during the inning. Could they not wait until the 3 minutes between innings, and thus not block the view of the folks who are actually at the park to watch the game? The view's just as good from the concourse, and a hell of a lot less annoying to other fans.

4.) Much has been made about DC's decision to make the new Batwoman a lesbian. And that's fine and dandy. But if you kill off Green Lantern's girlfriend, shouldn't there be some mention of it at least three weeks after it happens? 'Cause the last time a Green Lantern from Earth lost some love ones, he decimated the Green Lantern Corps. The Ford expects nothing less from Kyle Rayner.

5.) Let's say you're a major-league manager. You've got two slumping hitters. One's still hitting .320, the other, .210. Which one would you sit for the better part of a week? The one hitting .320? Congratulations, you're Jim Leyland. Of course, the Tigers still have the best record in baseball --The Ford's considering copyrighting that phrase, a la Pat Riley -- so who can judge?

6.) The Ford sucks way more at Street Fighter II than he did 10 years ago, which was the last time he played it in an arcade before Sunday night. Then again, he's also WAY better at Ms.Pac-Man, suggesting that every thing comes in cycles. Then again ,when he was playing SFII the first time around, he was WAY too interested in Chun Li's moves, if you catch The Ford's drift. Now? Not even the hottest video game character around, much less The Ford's touchy-feely fantasy. Though she's still slightly hotter than Ms. Pac-Man.

7.) Franziskaner is a way better beer on tap than from the bottle. Even if you have to go to a small little bar barely a block from your apartment. That said, The Ford still prefers The Official Beer, straight from the bottle.

8.) Robot Chicken is good bar TV.

9.) Few things are sadder than seeing a ground of 5-6 hot girls out drinking with one male in the group. That dude's just got no chance of a happy ending to the evening. OK, one thing's sadder: Being the one dude.

10.) There's something oddly creepy and self-affirming about recommending a stripper's lap dancing skills to a buddy, and having he buddy report back that the recommendation was well-deserved. It's like the letters section of Consumer Reports, without the eye contact.

11.) Building a good rappor with a stripper is almost as satisfying as seeing a pitcher and catcher build a rappor. Because really, knowing that a shaken-off signal is not the end of the world is similar to knowing that no one likes the ass-slap move, save the ass-slapper. And even then, probably not so much.

12.) The Ford received four pieces of good advice Sunday night:

13.) Always bring as much cash as you intend to spend to a gentleman's club, and no more.

14.) If you much spend more, don't hit the ATM in the club; rather, explain to the bouncer that you left cash in your car, and go to the ATM across the street. (there's ALWAYS an ATM across the street.)

15.) If you have to leave a club to get money from an ATM, it's time to go home.

16.) When you're walking in downtown Detroit, it's always good to pull a few "crazy Ivans," just to make sure you're not gonna get beat down.

17.) No one -- NO ONE -- is buying The Simple Life advertsing campaign that appears to feature a Paris Hilton with breasts. Every man, even the ones fresh off a night of drinking and lap dances, recognizes that Paris Hilton is not that endowed. To pretend otherwise is just insulting our intelligence.

18.) How did Christina Aguilera go from being the great Latina pop hope to the GQ headline "White Heat," in, like, 5 years. Is this the Bush administration's doing? Is this how they're trying to stem the "problem" of illegal immigration? Becasue if it is, The Ford's in favor of it, just for the semi-nude pics of Ms. Aguilera.

19.) When did GQ get the stones to start getting all these musicians and actresses to pose artistically nude. First Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson, now Christina Aguilera. Bicely done, folks.

20.) You know it's a slow night in a gentleman's club when you get into an argument over which Katie Holmes movie is on the one TV not showing FSN's seemingly endless replays of poker shows and a Mike Illich biography.

21.) The Ford doesn't know if you knew this, but in addition to owning the Red Wings and Tigers, Mike Illich is a devoted family man, a lifeling Detroiter, and the founder of Little Caesars.
22.) The Ford backed his way around a corner in The Official Truck not once, but twice on Sunday. He's feeling pretty good sbout that.

23.) There's going to be a Fantastic Four 2? The Ford can't help but feel partially responsible for this, since not only did he go see FF1 in the theater, but also shelled out for the Ultimate Avengers animated DVD this week. Granted, the two probably aren't that related, but still, The Ford's not exacly convincing Marvel that geeks won't go to see anything remotely based on a comic book.

24.) Superman gay? Thanks, L.A. Times. The Ford could go into a whole lecture about how Lois Lane's breasts have gotten progressively bigger over the years -- as though the artists feel she needs to compete with Wonder Woman's Wonderbra -- but he's not gonna, if only because he's been accused of focusing on the bosom too much, and really, this blog entry is not gonna help that impression.

25.) Some homeless fella was the lucky beneficiary of The Ford's white liberal guilt. After months of stonewalling folks, he finally gave in a gave a guy a $20 bill. Granted, he was in a bar at the time, so perhaps that's an explanation.

See, fewer than 27. That's two to grow on for next year. At least until two things occur to The Ford later tonight.

2 Comments:

At 11:09 PM, June 05, 2006, Anonymous Lisa said...

That's funny. I'm better at Street Fighter II than I used to be. I just figure mastering controllers with more buttons has made me a better button-masher. Also, glad to see some love for the Franz.

 
At 3:01 AM, June 07, 2006, Blogger The Ford said...

The Franz on tap is tasty, I'll admit. Of course, just as I do in Rome what the Romans are doing, if I'm bar crawling with a bartender, I'm gonna drink what he's drinking. So it was mostly a night of Blue bottles.

 

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