Thursday, June 22, 2006

So, more from The Official Hawaiian Vacation...

Overall, so far, so good, once The Ford arrived in Maui.

But till then?


Just another travelogue from hell:

6 a.m. -- After staying awake for 15 hours, plan to leave building for airport only 25 minutes away. Should have plenty of time to make 8:10 flight.

6:08 -- Finally leave building after waiting 15 minutes for valet to retrieve The Official Truck.

6:09 -- Realize there's less than a gallon of gas in the tank, thanks to a drive out to Gross Pointe on Saturday.

6:16 -- Refuel truck at gas station on the edge of downtown, though thankfully close to freeway on-ramp.

6:41 -- Arrive at economy parking garage.

6:43 -- Realize that chosen parking gate isn't working, and back out to try another.

6:46 -- Out of desperation, take first parking spot sighted.

6:47 -- Realize parking spot is located on complete opposite side of garage from terminal. Start double-timing it to terminal. Start regretting not choosing luggage with wheels.

6:50 -- Hit line for flight on airline that shall remain nameless. (Hint: It rhymes with Blemerica Chest.) Realize that everyone in the damn terminal is flying to Phoenix with The Ford.

7:00 -- Finally make it to front of line, get checked in, despite slowness of folks in front of him to grasp concept of automated check-in kiosks.

7:10 -- Make it to front of security line, only to be told that expired photo ID needs to be signed off on by front desk worker.

7:20 -- Get boarding pass approved again, and endure extensive individual search by security. It's the first part of the trip that's actually reassuring, since anyone with an expired photo ID SHOULD get some extra attention.

7:30 -- Arrive at gate just as boarding is beginning. Rest of flight should be hassle-free.

8:11 -- One minute after schedule departure time, The Ford's informed that a broken tray table is delaying takeoff. 66-minute layover in Phoenix now down to 65 minutes.

8:15 -- Tray table's fixed. We're headed down the runway. No, wait, we're sitting on the runway with our engines turned off, as we wait for a storm system to clear Indianapolis. 61 minutes to make the connection.

8:20 -- Storm system's cleared. We're in the air! 55 minute layover in Phoenix.

8:30 -- Find out flight is 15 minutes longer than planned, thanks to weather. 40 minutes to make the connection.

9:20 -- The in-flight movie? "Annapolis." And yet The Ford still shells out $5 for the headphones. Actually, this turns out to be a nice little deal, since they're these cool "over-the-ears" things that are really comfortable. Damn, Jordana Brewster is hot, especially in brown uni.

9:40 -- The in-flight annoucements pushing the non-free box lunches keep cutting into "Annapolis." Movie scarcely affected. James Franco still a tool. Jordana Brewster still hot.

10:30 -- Movie strangely watchable, especially the more James Franco gets the crap beat out of him in the ring. Especially when Franco is told by character from Arkansas: "You my Mississippi." James Franco is everybody's Mississippi.

11 a.m. -- Movie/infomercial for the Navy (It ends by playing the Navy commercial theme over the end credits) is finally over. No more Jordana Brewster. The Ford is sad.

12:30 p.m. -- Touchdown! 40 minutes till The Ford's flight to Maui. Run, Ford, run.

1:10 p.m. -- Flight's taking off for Maui. And so is The Ford, after a speedy walk through Sky Harbor.

1:20 -- The Ford is surrounded by the palest people he's ever met who weren't albinos. And they all go to the same school. And they're all giggly and 16 years old. Kill him now, dear God. Enough dumb-ass teen hormones in The Ford's section to kill a cow, presuming it could ever get to second base, under the bra.

1:30 -- Well, at least it's not Annapolis again: In-flight movie (this one free to The Ford, since his nifty headphones still work) is "Firewall," featuring The Official Harrison Ford of The Official Blog. Also featuring Virginia Madsen as a, pardon-The-Ford's-French, MILF-in-distress. Also features Seattle as setting. And yet, The Ford's already nodding off.

1:32-6:50 -- Blissful, blessed sleep, intrrupted approximately five times by Manfred Mann and "Blinded by the light." At least it's drowning out the hormone-factories.

6:55 -- Touchdown, part 2: The Ford has arrived in Maui at last. Bag comes into baggage claim just as The Ford arrives, missing only a comb packed in the side pocket. Good enough.

To recap:
The highlights: Jordana Brewster, James Franco getting beat up, nifty headphones, finding out The Official Sad-Sack Sister Team of The Official Alma Mater of The Official Blog fought off elimination in the CWS, hearing Linda Cohn deliver the phrase "Beaver Nation" with a straight face, finally getting some sleep.
The lowlights: Standing in line, standing in line, standing in line, getting surrounded by hormone-crazed teens, the rest of Annapolis.

After tha? Jack in the Box, Hawaiian traffic, ice cream, bought a goofy hat. Go figure.

Thus traveleth The Ford.


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