Friday, May 26, 2006

Sore throat? Check.

Runny nose? Check.

Uncontrollable sneezing? Check.

Harsh, raspy voice? Check.

Yes, it's time, once again, for The Ford's seemingly annual late-May cold.

Time once again for him to crawl into bed and ignore the rest of the world for about 96 hours.

Of course, since The Ford also hopes to eat Some Official Food after this 96 hours, as well as continue to sleep in The Official Bedroom and drive The Official Truck, he must also trudge into work at The Official Newspaper.

All of which makes him too tired to do much other than said trudging.

Yes, this annual event robs The Ford of so much he likes to do. Like ... um ... drink. And read. And drink. And talk to people on the phone. And ... um ... did he mention drink? Oh, and of course: blog. (OK, there's one other thing The Ford likes doing, but seeing as how he's spending most of his homeward hours in bed, he ain't really stopping. He'd say more, but this is a family blog, in between all the veiled sex references, cuss words, and scantily clad young ladies.)

Yeah, The Ford's been claiming some "him-time" this week as he waits for the cold to compete its usual progression through his body -- similar to the way The Ford shops and old-but-major department stores: It entered the main way (the throat), screwed around a bit there, then headed upstairs to try on some pants (the nose), and soon, it will head down to the basement to see if there are any nudie mags hidden in a corner (the lungs).

But while he waits, The Ford is gonna give you, dear reader, the lowdown on what's been popping up, now that he's got the whole "typingp-with-hisd-eyews-shut-ttto aviod sneeezingf" thing down.

Now, The Ford's never been much for Eva Longoria. Really, on his personal hotness scale, she's never ranked higher than 4th. Thus Ranketh The Ford.
But this is a pretty decent LAT piece on the phenomenon that is EVA. Because, let's face it, any story that can include the line, "Fernando Valenzuela on a corn flakes box is one thing; Longoria in a wet negligee in the pages of a leading men's magazine, " AND feature a photo gallery of various Longorian moments, is worth a moment's perusal.

But maybe hot Latina women aren't your thing. That's cool. Racist. The Ford's got something up your alley.
Karate Dog!
Yep, that's Karate Dog, an upcoming movie on ABC Family, featuring Chevy Chase (demonstrating some impressive lack of script judgment), Jon Voight (demonstrating that's one's gotta pay the bills somehow between Pearl Harbor and Transformers:The Movie, and just being Angelina Jolie's dad doesn't cut it), Simon Rex (demonstrating the time-honored ideal of regression to the mean -- "Real World to the WB to Karate Dog" seems like a solid career arc.) and Jaime Pressly (demonstrating that a smokin' bod and a co-starring spot on a hit NBC sitcom also doesn't pay the bills that well.)

The Ford really has only four beefs with Karate Dog, besides the sheer inanity of the plot: 1.) How do you land quite a few semi-stars, and yet bill Pat Morita ahead of Jaime Pressly? 2.) Do the creators of Hong-Kong Phooey lawyerless, or what? How are they not in litigation over this. Granted, the idea of a karate-chopping dog isn't great, but The Ford would think it's probably rare enough to be reasonable copyrighted. 3.) Jaime Pressly? Wasn't she in Playboy? Naked? In Playboy? When did ABC FAMILY start hiring gals who've been in Playboy. Oh, right, Charisma Carpenter. Her, too. Mind you, The Ford's not complaining. He wishes more gals who've been in Playboy would show up on family-type networks. It's just a bit unexpected, that's all. Lord knows, were they to start advertising, "ABC Family, now with more former naked women!" The Ford would be a lot more likely to randomly watch ABC Family. 4.) Karate Dog? That's the best title you could come up with? Granted, your first four title ideas were probably playing off of Hong-Kong Fooey, but still...Karate Dog?

On the heels of the Fucking Huskies, we have the Fucking Bruins. Well, really, just Fucking UCLA. NO ONE calls them the Bruins. Except dweebs, and The Ford is no dweeb, no sirree bob. Seriously though, 99 national championships? Damn.
The Official University? 1.
And that's in boxing, which may not even count any more. Oh, and there's this whole 1915 football title thing, but we're not gonna get into that until we get our goddamn TWO SECONDS back from the 1998 Rose Bowl. And there's video tape of those TWO SECONDS! Good luck getting a national championship from before radio had even caught on.

Also, The Ford likes that it took massive public outrage for Hasbro to realize the Pussycat Dolls are neither Pussycats, nor are they Dolls. And that should not change.

Still, the best part of the Daily News' story? That'd be this: "The Dolls, who are hugely popular with teenagers, have a crossover hit with their song "Don't Cha" featuring lyrics about group sex."

Those lyrics, since The Ford knows you've been wondering ever since you heard that song used to peddle light beer, are ...

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
Cause if it aint love
It just aint enough to leave a happy home
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See, I dont care
But I know she aint gon' wanna share

Shocking, that.

Finally, The Ford's thankful that the new TV season's most crowded hour got a little less crowded this week, with NBC's decision to move the new Aaron Sorkin drama from Thursdays at 9 to Monday at 10. OF course, Thursdays at 9 p.m. is still a killer hour, with OC competing against CSI competing against Grey's Anatomy competing against, um, Supernatural? (The Ford notes that the new CW network's just gonna pencil that hour in as a loss already. Tough luck, guys.)

Ah...the NyQuil is kicking in. Time for a fond and vaguely furious farewell...(Karate Dog? Seriously?)


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