Friday, March 03, 2006

If The Ford's quasi-obsession with comic books has taught him anything, it's that you're only as good as your arch-nemesis.
Batman has the Joker.
Superman has Lex Luthor.
The X-Men have Magneto.
Green Arrow has ... Blockbuster?
Villains matter, in other words.
Where would we be without the folks who make us work harder, sleep less and drink more? Probably at home, taking it easy in bed. And bed is no place to be, people, on a Friday night. Unless you're hot and can get in touch with me.
Of course, since those folks are few and far between, The Ford can feel it growing, deep inside him....yes, it's time to play The Fury!
Today's topic -- Candidates for The Official Nemesis of The Official Blog of The Ford:
1.) Hot Bartenders
Pros: Eternally infuriating The Ford with poor service at bars across the country, occasionally allowing him to sober up.
Cons: Eternally breaking down and giving The Ford beer. Plus, y'know, they're hot. (Hotness goes a long way with The Ford, he's sad to report.) When in doubt, The Ford always says, don't make enemies of the pretty people, at least as long as you can look down their shirts.
Words to live by, dear readers.
2.) The good folks at Playboy
Pros: Nearly suckered The Ford into buying an issue at the newsstand with an implied promise of a nude Jessica Alba. And yet, no nude Alba. That's just criminal, not to mention medically dangerous, with all the blood in The Ford's body flowing two places at once.
Cons: The same as the cons for Hot Bartenders, but without the beer.
3.) The Internet People.
Pros: Taking money out of The Ford's pocket as advertisers look more and more toward the Web.
Cons: The Ford would hate to be on the wrong side of the folks who gave him e-mail, chat rooms, and easily accessible porn 24/7. It's like messing with the people above, except that they can zap your credit score as well. Plus, The Ford could now be construed as one of The Internet People, now that he's all wired up with a blog. One should never be one's own arch-nemesis, short of falling into a horribly scarring vat of acid.
4.) The good folks at Playboy, Part Dos
Pros: In addition to a cover that just gets more and more crowded every month, (When Vanity Fair does a better job of playing up ITS nude celebrities with a clean looking cover than Playboy does, we should all be afraid.) it seems this month's issue features nudie shots of Pussycat Doll Willa Ford, who could be like a cousin to me, were we in any way related.
Cons: Ms. Ford IS pretty hot. Despite the name promising a return of the issues The Ford has with the supermodel Caprice. (She's not named after his mother. She's not named after his mother. She's. Not. Named. After. His. Mother. ) Plus, again, The Ford's not into picking fights with the pretty people, especially the ones who make a habit of taking their clothes off. It just seems rude.
5.) The dude somewhere in the Freep/DetNews building who loves Lunchables as much as The Ford does, and keeps beating me to the punch and buying the only "turkey and cheddar" option right after first deadline.
Pros: That dude is really pissing me off, especially since he seems to share The Ford's disdain for the ham-and-cheddar Lunchables. I mean, seriously! Dude! Buy something else! Anything else. Live my life for a few days, and enjoy the double salami, or the flavored Ruffles, or one of the plethora of sandwiches that seem just as appetizing at 9 p.m. Just leave me my damn turkey Lunchables!
Cons: Not being able to buy your preferred combination of lunch meat and cheese out of the vending machine seems a really petty thing to go nuts over. And yet, it seems right up The Ford's alley.
6.) Justin Verlander.
Pros: Hot-shot Tigers rookie could make the team, forcing The Ford to come up with headline specs that fit the name "Verlander," when the Tigers already have pitchers named Robertson and Bonderman. This will not be a good year for one-column headlines in the Freep. Which is too bad, 'cause that's all they'll deserve come July and August.
Cons: The Ford isn't sure, but Verlander could probably kick The Ford's ass. Plus, saying his name is sorta like saying "Zoolander." Which was a pretty good movie, come to think of it. Maybe the Tigers can sign Zoolander, as well. The Ford is in favor of anything that brings hot supermodel-type chicks into his neighborhood.

Well, pals o'mine, we've covered hot women, baseball players and junk food. Which means this edition of Thus Sayeth The Ford (Motto: "TSTF: Dude, we gotta get a better acronym.") has gotta be coming to a close.
The Ford's even found a few nemesii to round out his Rogues' Gallery.
All The Ford needs now is a femme fatale sidekick.
That search should go well.

2 Comments:

At 6:24 PM, March 05, 2006, Anonymous tru said...

From one comic-book fan to another:
The Ford: He's the best at what he does.

 
At 9:46 PM, March 05, 2006, Blogger The Ford said...

Got that right, bub.

 

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