Wednesday, March 01, 2006

While I while away the hours until my first visit to Buffalo Wild Wings in Michigan, (Boneless wings! 16 sauces! TVs with sporting events! I'm geeked in so many ways I'm going to use an extra exclamation point!!), it's time to visit the world of sports ... and beyond.

(The Ford's been getting tips on how to tease to later reports from his local TV newscasters, and you, the reader, are the winner.)

Big news! The Ford is no longer The Only Coug in Michigan. Surely, there are some alumni living in the Mitten State. Maybe up on the Yoo-Pee, who knows? But here, in the Motor City, the jewel of the Rust Belt? Well, they seem few and far between.
Unless you work in sports at the Freep. Turns out one of our sports photogs is a fellow Coug. Of course, he graduated 20 years before I didn't, but still, we were able to share tales of the metropolis that is Pullman.
Which reinforces The Ford's belief that the reason Cougs remain fans of WSU is because there is NEVER any danger of the town changing. It's a reassuring feeling to know that students 30 years from now will have the same experience students from 30 years ago had.
Like, say, a horrifically bad men's basketball team, not unlike the one Dick Bennett just stepped down from...
Yes, Dick's gone at the end of the season, but Tony's sticking around. Which means sports staffers around the country will have "I left my heart in San Francisco" rattling around their heads for the next three years of Cougar game nights.
Congrats, fellers.
And what did Bennett the Elder have to say about his tenure as the lord and master of the Palouse hardwood?
"The best way I could put it is: We got what we expected, not necessarily what we hoped for."
Actually, when you consider he watched every men's hoops game this season, the fact that he still has the power of speech is pretty impressive. So we'll give him a pass on the, um, uplifting nature of his judgment of Cougar hoops.
Good luck, there, Tony. Your dad's rooting for you, and so is The Ford. Which should be all you need.
Of course, standards at WSU are pretty low, considering this statement from the AD:
"He brought respectability back to the program."
Yes, the coach who went 36-46 in 3 seasons brought respectability back to the school that went 25-57 in the previous 3 seasons. It was apparently a short step.

Well, at least the Cougs beat the Huskies all the damn time now.

Go Cougs.

Of course, were you dedicated to college basketball, and not reliant on The Ford's blog for hoops news, you might have caught this nugget from Andy Katz:
Basically, he wrote about what everyone in the Northwest -- and, apparently, Michigan -- knew already: Dick's gone, but Tony remains. Still, we do get this brilliant analysis: "Tony Bennett is expected to let the Cougars play with a bit more offensive freedom."
Well, considering the team is averaging about 43 points a night, and actually scored only 10 points in one half this season, that seems like a fairly bright idea. Good thinking, Coach.
Of course, when you're talking NW sports, you've gotta be talking baseball.
And thus we have Kevin Appier.
Now, after reading this story, The Ford concluded Appier's a bit of an ass, the jerk you end up hanging out with all the time because you're too dumb to lie about where you're going. But maybe it's reading too much into this. Maybe he's a great teammate who keeps everyone loose with his crazy, prima donna-esqe antics. And maybe he'll make the team.
Let's come back to the Motor City, and The Ford's almost-hated competition upstairs, and this little tidbit about the Tigers newest Great-White-Hope -Who-Doesn't-Punch-Cameramen (whoo, hope that's not all on his business card), Jim Leyland.
Now, he'll probably end up in the 'burbs or somewhere, but I'd really like the idea of Leyland getting a loft in The Official Building of The Official Blog of The Ford if for no other reason then they might replace one of the hot Art Deco women in the brochure with an Art Deco rendering of him, maybe lounging with one of the Art Deco women in full Tigers regalia.

That. Would. Be. Awesome.
Speaking of awesome... (See, these are the types of quality transitions The Ford insists on when he's not drunk. Or getting drunk.)

Let's try again.

Speaking of hot women who are partially artificial...

(Now that's what I'm talking about...)

... we have Anna Benson.
Now, The Ford usually cites Ms. Benson as an example of how the generic hotness of a woman can be greatly enhanced by a general aura of skankiness, but only so far.

But now, well, The Ford's starting to feel a genuine affection for The Charm City's newest resident.
I mean, she's hot, first of all. And an ex-stripper. The Ford's got, um, a soft spot for most hot ex-strippers.
So ... that helped.
But she's also proving a bit loopy. Which is pretty sweet.
Even when you get past the whole "riding horses with Peter Angelos" thing, this is just a good look at the wonder that is Ms. Benson. So to speak.

Of course, The Ford believes in going beyond simple blogging and compling links. Yes, for you, dear reader, The Ford will actually interview the subjects he's blogging on. (And by "interview," The Ford means he'll take previously published quotes and snippets from Web sites and run them with the skimpiest of context. Which, he supposes, is probably better than running them with the skimpiest of clothing. Though a lot less profitable.)

So, Anna, it's time for the lightning round....

Who can you cite in favor of your position on everyone's right to own guns?

"Even Gandhi wrote that 'among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of arms as the blackest.' And who can dispute that Gandhi the Gunner was a great wise man?"

Well, sure, no one can argue with that.
How do you feel about becoming a media sensation in Baltimore?

"I am asking people to be patient and watch what I have to unfold."

Sure, sure. But what my readers really want to know is, are those your real, um, fun-bags?

"No, actually, these are not my real fun-bags. After breastfeeding three kids, I was constantly tripping over my jugs whenever I tried to walk anywhere. So, I got a much deserved boobie job. If anyone has a problem with it, they just might get slapped in the face with one of my ripe melons."

Here's what The Ford says. (C'mon, you knew this was coming. The Official Name of The Official Blog of The Ford doesn't pull a lot of punches.)

It's been said that gigantic TEEN ta-tas rule the world. Lindsey Lohan comes to mind, and, well, The Ford guesses that might even be related to the point he's making.

Anyway, um, who said it's all about the gigantic TEEN ta-tas?

OK, OK, it was The Ford, and, well, it still is. But grownup sweatermeat's pretty neat, too.

Man, The Ford has gotta go to Baltimore.


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