Sunday, February 26, 2006

So, the lesson we've learned from this weekend is that The Ford is no better than so many of the professional athletes he's so fond of watching at work and at home.
Give him just a little bit of money, and his performance immediately goes in the tank.
Yes, I was so sated from finally getting my direct deposit working, that I actually went two days without a blog entry. Luckily, the blogger Collective Bargaining Agreement ensures that the reader will have to take me to arbitration to get blogs for those days. Have fun, suckas!

And now, on with the show...

Gosh, that girl at the Olympic Closing Ceremony looks a lot like Avril Lavigne.

Only blonder.
Wait a sec....
What the...
When the....
When did this happen?
And why is she in Turin? Oh, right, the Canadians are hosting this thing in four years. Guess they're cross-branding.
(I, for one, refuse to call the 2010 Games the Vancouver Games. I don't truck with Canadian spellings, all those extra 'U's and what-not. It's Vancoover or nothing for The Ford.)
How much the world changes in just a couple of years.
Why, I remember, way back when, in 2004, pop culture was dominated by a bevy of redheads.
Alyson Hannigan had TV locked up on "Angel."
Lindsay Lohan was dominating Hollywood, showing a mix of youth, acting ability, and knockers the size of your head that hadn't been seen in decades. How hot was she? She put out a TERRIBLE record that same year, and everyone just agreed it never happened. You hear me? IT. NEVER. HAPPENED.

This my friends, is what gigantic teen ta-tas do to the world. Take notes.
Meanwhile, Avril Lavigne was dominating pop music. Everywhere one turned, one saw a young Canadian redhead redefining the way we thought of plaid, neckties, and conventional spelling rules.
Yes, it was a great year for redheads.
Of course, Ms. Hannigan is still dominating TV, not letting the cancellation of one series slow her down.
Ms. Lohan, well, you may have heard a little something about her, um, struggles. Suffice to say she's not dominating anything anymore, not even a wet T-shirt contest.
And Ms. Lavigne, after losing her battle to amend the English dictionaries with a new and horrendous spelling of "skater," trudged home to Canada (or, down south, as we here at Thus Sayeth The Ford call our northern partner in NAFTA.), never to be heard from again.
Until she became a blonde.
Of course, she also climbed past the jailbait age, put on a few pounds in just the right places, classed up her wardrobe quite a bit, and joined the Ford modeling agency. (But, sadly, not the The Ford modeling agency, whose motto is: "What camera?")
So now she's a full-fleged Canadian hottie. And blonde.

And the two things are not connected. Not at all.

Damn your Canadian wiles, Ms. Lavigne!

In other news:

The Ford finished re-reading Phillip Roth's "Great American Novel" for about the 10th time last night. (Yeah, The Ford's life isn't all hot women, Olympics and direct deposit. He's got quite the literary side.)

And so, Thus Sayeth The Ford presents:

"This Weekend in Alliteration" (brought to you by the VizEds chat room)

On tales from St. Louis' Mardi Gras celebreation this weekend, tales of a drunken, semi-naked man who'd just climbed a tree getting tackled by five women after a bar offered a free hurricane to any woman who brought in his underwear:

"A burgeoning bevy of beaded babes beat down a boozed-up bloke for his blue boxers."

Who says alliteration isn't helpful?

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

(Or at least until they deposit my next paycheck.)


At 12:23 AM, February 27, 2006, Blogger Marcus said...

You gotta love the headline on the Avril Lavigne site.

"Avril Lavigne be a model"

At 12:52 AM, February 27, 2006, Blogger The Ford said...

Yeah, I know it's a Chinese news agency writing the hed, but there's part of me that just hopes it's broken-Englished that way because they're so shocked at the prospect. Though that intepretation would really only be supported by a question mark or exclamation point.


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