Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Ford is exiled from his home sweet home for at least a few hours -- thanks to a building fire alarm that went off once the mornig while he was trying to sleep, and once this afternoon while The Ford was showering (bonus for the ladies doncha'know) -- so it's a bonus TSTF tonight.
The Official Fire Alarm of The Official Building of The Official Blog of The Ford is really ridiculous.
It starts out with a couple of weak tones that sound more like an alarm clock than a fire alarm.
This is followed by The (very calm, collected and completely accent-free) Voice From The Wall stating, "This building has had a fire alarm event reported. Please leave the building by taking the nearest stairs. Do not take the elevator."
It's sorta like the "red alert" mode on Star Trek, but without any of the drama, or ever a quasi-sexy voice saying the words.
Because the dude saying the words is so calm, there is absolutely no sense of emergency. It took me 5 minutes to go from being in bed this morning to leaving the apartment; this seemed all right at the time.
The Ford even took the time to lock his apartment, just in case it was a drill, and to find his most recent renters insurance bill/contact sheet, just in case it wasn't a drill.
The Ford even considered starting an argument with The Voice over whether there was truly a fire in the building. He'd been duped before.
Now, had there actually been a fire, The Ford has the feeling that all his lollygagging efforts to leave the apartment would have ended very, very badly. Images from "Backdraft" keep flickering through his head.
All because some dude two years ago was able to keep his shit together in a recording studio.
When The Ford rules the world, his fire alarms will not fuck around like this. No alarm tones. No calm, accent-free dude.
No, whe The Ford rules the world, his fire alarms will start out with a sonic-boom-level rendition of the chorus from the Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House."
This will be followed by a stressed-out and, quite possibly, angry Voice From The Wall --either Kiefer Sutherland or Alyson Hannigan -- yelling, "There's a fire! Get the fuck out! And don't even think about taking the elevator! Go!"
Now, don't misunderstand The Ford. This will be annoying as fuck-all as well. That's a fire alarm's job, to annoy you enough to get you moving.
But it'll damn sure get your ass out of your apartment in less than 5 minutes, even if you're in the shower.

In other news, thanks to his belief that his building was coming down around him this morning, The Ford got to meet his immediate neighbors, as well as several other people who live in his building. Oddly enough, he maybe saw only 7 or 8 apartments' worth of people. Almost all of them -- including his neighbors (who also locked their apartment door before leaving the building) -- were in their mid-20s and paired off with each other.
Of course, there's, like, 100 apartments in The Official Building, so The Ford's a bit confused about where everyone else was at 8 a.m., but perhaps they just have better social lives than The Ford.
All this, combined with his recent reading of a book written by the grandson of the professor his college dorm was named after, gives The Ford the impression that he's all-of-a-sudden back at The Official University of The Official Blog of The Ford, living in good ol' S. Town Stephenson East, naturally enough, The Official Residence Hall of The Official Blog of The Ford.
Oh, and one of his neighbors is cute. Of course, she's living with a dude.
The Ford must be late for his 11 a.m. Western Civ class.


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