Dear Steve Yzerman,

Should you decide to start, despite your recent retirement, playing in the NHL again, and then decide once more to retire, please, please don't do so on the day before the Fourth of July, you addle-brained ninny.

Or at least if you are going to retire, maybe give folks some notice, so they don't have to spend 13 hours at work on their day off -- after getting just three hours of sleep because they planned on sleeping away most of their day off -- working on coverage of your retirement.

Leak that shit, seriously.

The Ford might even be willing to get scooped by The Official Competition in that case.

Oh, and tell your buddy Ben Wallace that he could maybe , JUST MAYBE, hold off on leaking that he's going to sign with the Bulls until the day AFTER you're retired.

'Cause both of you doing your thangs on the same day, well, that's just a bit effed up for those of us who like to cover our breaking stories all in-depth-like.

Yes, you deserve to die, and I hope you burn in hell.

Sincerely, and ever your friend in journalism,

The Ford