Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Official Blog of The Ford's Official Reasons To Hate Pat Riley.

1.) The hair.

2.) The suits.

3.) The copyrighting of "Three-peat."

4.) The hair.

5.) The abomination that was NBA basketball for years during the 90s, especially the years when Michael Jordan was retired. Seriously. When they listen to The Ford and expand "crimes against humanity" trials to professional sports, Riles will be one of the first in the giant baby cribs that pass for benches at trials these days. John Starks hefting up 3s as part of an "offensive game plan." Anthony Mason. The entire 1994 NBA Finals that set basketball back 10 years. (The best lines in the write up on the Finals: " Whether it was Maxwell shouting at a fan or Olajuwon shouting at his teammates, the Rockets seemed to lose their cool in front of 19,763 crazed fans at the Madison Square Garden.
What the Rockets didn't lose, however, was Sam Cassell's passion to win. " Word.)
Don't believe The Ford? The NBA finally, just this season, changed the rules to get back to the way basketball was before that series. And all of a sudden, it's fun to watch again. Go figure.

6.) The hair.

7.) The way he still has Stan Van Gundy's blood on his hands after the coach -- who seemed to do just fine in taking the Heat within a half of the NBA Finals last season -- "resigned to spend more time with his family." Right. If your family was Jeff Van Gundy, would you be clamoring to spend more time with them? Right as Shaq, who the team is built around, is coming back from injury and things are just starting to look up again? Thought not.

8.) The way he refuses to acknowledge that the Heat were a good team last season, choosing to bask in the cavalcade of love from knee-jerk sportswriters who seem to forget that the Heat, given a healthy Dwyane Wade last season, probably would have beaten the Pistons in Game 7.

9.) The way he continues to try and set basketball back with adopting the "Hack-a-Shaq" strategy to Ben Wallace. It's not even that defensible a strategy, considering Wallace is shooting only slightly higher from the field than he is from the line. All Riley's doing is making NBA fans -- and sports journalists -- spend 30 more minutes a night wanting to blow their brains out.

10.) The hair.

11.) The way his coaching during this season seems to consist mainly of telling Dwyane Wade to shoot the hell out of the ball. The Ford's pretty sure he could have done that for half the price.

12. ) The suits. (Thought The Ford was gonna say "the hair," didn'cha?)

13.) The way he could have put away the Pistons in Game 5 -- considering he was 11-0 in elimination games with a 3-1 series lead entering Wednesday's game -- but instead choked, raising the spectre of The Ford having to work until 1 a.m. on The Official Birthday, if Riley chokes again Friday. The Ford's all for the Pistons willing the whole damn thing, but he'd also like some big-league debauchery on his b-day, y'know?

Thanks, Riles. Nicely done.


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