Saturday, May 06, 2006

Yes, it's Cinco De Mayo, which, for The Ford, means ...

Well, honestly, The Ford didn't remember it was Cinco De Mayo until arriving at The Official Bar, when he was greeted with "Happy Cinco De Mayo!"

Is it a Happy Cinco De Mayo?

The Ford's always slightly annoyed at Cinco De Mayo, coming so close on the heels of St. Patrick's Day (SPD) as it does.

Sure, The Ford knows Cinco De Mayo (CDM) didn't begin as a drinking holiday. Really, it's a celebration of a Mexican victory over the French in some war that may or may not have involved Napoleon and various puppet emperors/presidents related to him. (The Ford's not up for the fact-checking right now, it being Cinco De Mayo and all.)

Still, it's a bit close to the Big Green Drunk Day for The Ford's tastes, even though, as a semi-professional drinker, The Ford makes no distinctions for holidays.

It's like the dilemma of having Thanksgiving so close to Christmas. Two "big-eatin' " holidays within a month of each other.

Really, whoever's in charge of these here holidays needs to get their act together and spread things out a bit.

Turkey Day and X-Mas are probably a bit set, but really, can't we get a couple months between CDM and SPD?

Really, if The Ford could be considerate enough to have a birthday nearly six months before/after Christmas, you'd think the least folks could do would be to schedule their big drunks slightly better.

(Yeah, that last sentence may seem odd, narcisstic and vaguely blasphemous, but when you're buying presents on The Ford's birthday in the future, you'll appreciate it a bit more.)

Other thoughts from The Official Bar (This is the section of the blog where you imagine I'm like Larry King, but with fewer wives, ex- or not, and no suspenders. Both of these should be comforting modifiers.):

1.) SportsCenter needs to stop scheduling Scott Van Pelt and John Anderson to work the late shift together. It's not that they're bad, seprately or together. It's just too damn confusing to tell the two apart, with their receding hairlines and matching glasses. Even with one having hair, and the other having a crew cut, The Ford has to think too long to tell the two apart. Then again, perhaps this is some bizarre genetic experiment to create the perfect SportsCenter anchor.

2.) Is there a better 90s-sitcom theme song than The Nanny's? Regardless of your opinion of Fran Drescher -- The Ford's a shamfully big fan, both for the big hair, the big, nasal accent, and the alleged attraction to younger guys-- it's a sharp tune that successfully communicates the main theme of the show, as well as introducing all the characters. It's a throwback to great themes of the 60s such as Gilligan's Island, The Patty Duke Show and The Brady Bunch. Plus, it's animated, which is apparently a popular thing these days.
Here's the lyrics, in case you're drawing a blank:
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens,
Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes.
What was she to do, where was she to go
She was out on her fanny.

So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door,
She was there to sell make up but the father saw more,
She had style,
she had flair,
she was there,
That's how she became the Nanny.

Who would have guessed that the girl we described
was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?

Now, the father finds her beguiling,
watch out C.C.,
The kids are actually smiling,
such joie de vivre
She's the lady in red
when everybody else is wearing tan.
The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran.

(Bonus points if you can name the main character not referenced by name or pronoun in the lyrics.)

3.) The Ford can't reasonably go see the "new" She-Ra movie, can he?
The Ford never much trusted "She-Ra," recognizing her, even at an early age, as more marketing gimmick than liberated, female-friendly sister to He-Man.
Not to mention, The Ford LIKES the irony. He's not sure he could handle an "irony-free" movies, even if it does feature an animated hottie.
Frankly, She-Ra's just another example proving The Ford's long-stated hypothesis that it's difficult to go wrong in American pop culture with big breasts and blond hair. (See: Jessica Simpson, Marilyn Monroe, Brittney Spears, Farrah Fawcett, etc.)
And yet, the geek in The Ford, frequently at the controls of The Ford, much to his embarassment, is trying to make a case. It's disturbing, really.

4.) Not really a thought, but this is easily the funniest thing The Ford's read all day, courtesy of The Official Gal-Whose-Nickname-Is-Pending of The Official Blog of The Ford.

5.) Science should do more stuff like this, if only because it's reassuring to The Ford.

6.) Oh, and in case you're secretly here for the lovely ladies -- it's OK, The Ford understands, be ye man, woman, or computer-using cat -- we've got a plethora of options:

Erection creation/deflation. (You know you have to look.)
Porn-star-who's-visited-Detroit-meets-Hollywood-star. (Aren't you curious? No? The Ford doesn't blame you.)
The disturbing result of science. (OK, besides Pamela Anderson.)
Biggest-breasts-The-Ford-has-ever-objected-to-solely-on-principle-but-that-are-also-safe-for-work-viewing. (The Ford doesn't have much of an opinion on plastic surgery. Or on push-up bras. But, um, when the breasts are bigger than your head? Or merely appear to be, thanks to the wonders of brassiere technology? Maybe that's where we, as a culture, draw the line.)
The palatte cleanser. (Mostly because she's probably the hottest quasi-celebrity The Ford's seen in a while, once you're willing to ignore the possibility of The Ford being attracted to an actress who played a high schooler in "Brick." Granted, she was a high-school femme fatale, but nevertheless...she's 25.)


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