Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Ford's as insane a baseball fan as one can find, really, considering he didn't exactly grow up with fanatic parents. (Crazy? Yes. About sports? Not in the summer.)

And yet, he's got a long way to go before he reaches Philly fans.

'Cause c'mon, maybe you're not fond of Barry Bonds. Hell, maybe you hate the steroid-stocking, cocky sumbitch who was born on thrid base and thought he hit a triple. (Note: That last sentence was originally "hit a tribble." Which is much dorkier, and much funnier, all at the same time.)

But to spend hours making signs like these:

Well, that's just kinda sad. Save the hate for actual division rivals, Philly fans. It's much more fun to rip into someone you'll see another 18 times a season.

Continuing the trip around the horn... (Bear with The Ford; after a few hours watching hockey AND the CBC, he feels the need to reconnect with the Great American Pastime. Not that there's anything wrong with hockey, or the CBS, but, well, y'know...)

We get the great tale of a Schaumburg, Ill., pitcher getting traded for a pallet of Budweiser -- Approximate value, as near as The Ford can figure? $1,000 -- all so he can be closer to L.A. "Leon Time" is on the move. This one writes itself so perfectly, The Ford has no punchlines.

Rounding third and heading for home...

Oh, let's refrain from pointing out that The Mets are going without Kris Benson and The Official Ex-Stripper of The Official Blog of The Ford, but get to feature "Lima Time." The wordsmith in The Ford suggests that that's dealing two gigantic boobs for one, even if it wasn't a straight trade.

(Edit: OK, The Ford somehow ended up checking out Jose Lima's wife today, and he can report, that, well, as far as boobs go, the Mets are losing very little in the transaction. Of course, there's still the little matter of Kris Benson's pitching skills vs. Jose Lima's pitching skills, but that's not what The Official Blog is all about.)

And the sliiiiiide....

More pimping of The Official Newspaper, made especially sweet since The Ford had no idea this story about Detroit's next Quixotic quest had run. That'll learn him to take days off. The Olympics? Sure, why not. Because if Torino, the Detroit of Italy can take the Winter Games, then Detroit, the Torino of America, can sure as hell handle the real deal.

Of course this would present a couple of problems near and dear to The Ford's heart.

No, not traffic, or how to build the temporary housing suitable for both athletes and tourists, but rather:

1.) Wouldn't the sheer number of columns by visiting media -- on how a.) Detroit sucks, and we're just all waiting for the burning cars or b.) Detroit is much better than expected, thanks to the conspicuous lack of burning cars -- completely cripple the Internet for two weeks?

2.) Based on the flow of strippers to Detroit for the Super Bowl, and the ensuing inflation of strip club ads in both The Official Newspaper and The Official Competition, would it even be possible to publish a newspaper that wasn't 90% stripper. And once we did, would we ever want to go back?

Oh, and because The Ford's ranting about Chicken McNuggets may have distracted him from pointing out some random hot women, let's give a big ol' shoutout to Jade -- a regular gal, who proves the cliche that smart is sexy, at least when one is,um, also hot and willing to show it on a random blog.
So perhaps the saying should be, "Smart, hot and in possession of a digital camera and a tank top is sexy."
Not as catchy, sure, or as bumper-sticker-worthy, but probably a lot more accurate.


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