Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Folks, growing up in the Northwest, The Ford learned one thing: In blogging, just as in life, when it rains, it pours.

And thus you, dear reader, get even more cheerleader info....

That would be a member of the SuperSonics dance squad -- The Official Dance Team of The Official NBA Team of The Official Blog of The Ford -- that beat the hell out of the Memphis girls -- despite their full-on hoochie-fied appearance -- in the NBA's dance squad bracket. Go Sonics! (The Ford also takes some joy in seeing the Hefty-bag-clad Blazer Dancers get crushed by the Mavs Dancers, even if they're not really particularly hot.

Perusing the matchups, The Ford found some interesting things:

1.) The Pistons' team, Automotion, faces the Pacers' team, The Pacemates, on Thursday. Leaving aside the weird-ass names of these teams, (Seriously. You couldn't avoid the cheap Playboy Playmates pun and go for The Pacemakers?) is anyone else hoping for a recreation of Malice at The Palace? Maybe this time with pillows and lingerie? Someone should be working on this now.

2.) Meanwhile, The Hornets' squad is called the Honeybees. This pleases The Ford; it's a good tie-in with the team name, while still giving them an identity of their own.

3.) The Nets Dancers have figured out a way to harness the power of the camel toe for good, it appears. Of course, they still barely squeaked by Philadelphia. And I doubt they'd have even done that if the Sixers Dancers hadn't screwed up and worn cowboy hats. Teams on the East Coast should not "slum it" in cowboy hats. Period.

4.) The dumbest team name? Milwaukee's "Energee!" Hmm. Poor spelling, unnecessary punctuation and the evilness of purple. Thank you, Atlanta's A-Town Dancers, for putting them out of our misery so early in the tourney.

5.) The Heat Dancers DESTROYED Charlotte's squad, 91%-9%. This is probably understandable, considering the talent in Miami, and the poor photo of the Charlotte girls, but still....91%? Next up for Miami, it's Toronto's Raptors Dance Pak. Hmm. Team wears purple, has oddly spelled name? Doesn't look good for our Friendly Neighbors to the East, even if the one-piece A-frame dresses are a nice departure from the norm.

6.) For some reason, Utah, Toronto, and New York received byes in the tourney. Toronto, The Ford gets. We need more Canadian hotties in open competition. But Utah and New York? Meanwhile, the last time The Ford checked, the Kings Dance Team (again, a name befitting the sophistication of Sacramento) is on pace to upset the Laker Girls! The Laker Girls. A member of the Holy Trinity of professional cheerleading teams, facing a challenge from Sacramento? This cannot happen, folks. It cannot be.

7. Meanwhile, the Clips' Spirit Dancers get a cakewalk against the T-Wolves' cleavage ... I mean, the T-Wolves Dancers. There is no justice.

8.) Finally, in the spirit of March Madness, even when it's applied to dance squads, here's The Official Picks of The Official Blog of The Ford:

Western Conf. second round:

Utah over Houston (Utah should win, but Houston has a much bigger bloc of voters, unfortunately. This one should be tight.)

Seattle over Dallas (A mild upset. Dallas has a voting advantage, but is seriously lacking talent on its squad.)

Phoenix over Golden State (Phoenix overcomes its atrocious purple one-pieces, mostly because Golden State's girls are nothing special.)

L.A. Clippers over Laker Girls. (Yeah, The Ford's predicting the Laker Girls will survive the first round, but as life imitates, the Clippers-Babes are deeper than the Laker-Dears.)

Eastern Conf. second round:

Miami over Toronto (see above)

Detroit over Indiana (experience beats hotness in this matchup.)

Orlando over New Jersey (dueling camel-toe teams separated only by the Magic Dancers' brilliant decision to go with the stockings)

New York over Atlanta (If ever there was a time the NBA would rig things for the Knicks, it's this one.)

Western semis:

Utah over Seattle. (Utah's surprising diversity overcomes Seattle's Northwesterny goodness.)

L.A. over Phoenix (Either squad, really. Phoenix willbe brought down by the Spandex.)

Eastern semis:

Miami over Detroit. (Detroit's guttier -- they've got the girl-next-door thing going on -- but Miami is, well, Miami.)

New York over Orlando. (And now, guest analyst Hubie Brooks: "New York's just too deep. If you're Orlando, you've got to be happy with your trememdous upside potential for next season. They're very long, with surprisingly solid fundamentals.)

Western finals:

L.A. over Utah. (The Ford is rooting for Utah, but either L.A. is probably too tough. Still, he could very easily see Utah downing the Clip squad, should they advance.)

Eastern finals:

Miami over New York. (World class competition here, but Miami's domination of the three C's -- Costumes, Choreography, Cleavage -- puts them in the finals)

The Finals:

Miami over L.A. (Did The Ford mention the cleavage? Let's be honest, that's Miami's ace in the push-up bra here. Dance moves and hometown loyalty will take you only so far in the world of Internet voting. Don't believe me? This is the talent Miami's working with:

Yeah. I thought so.)

So, there you have it. Miami will win the NBA's Dance Squad Bracket. Place your bets now. Seriously.

(And yes, The Ford just churned out 900 words on the NBA's dance squads. He might just need a life.)


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