Saturday, August 19, 2006

The Ford is tired of The Official Blog always looking back.

The past is for wimps.

The future, well, that's for men like The Ford.

It's probably for women like The Ford, too, but they're few and far between. Might as well be postulating the existence of the quark as discuss women like The Ford.

So we won't.

Instead, let's discuss The Official Saturday To-Do List of The Official Blog of The Ford:

1.) Work. (This one's pretty self-explanatory; it takes money for The Ford to hack into his neighbors' Wi-Fi, don'cha'know...)

2.) Work overtime. (Again, the whole money thing. And something about the thrill of a job well-done. Not quite as satisfying as a steak well-done, but what it lacks in satisfaction, it makes up for in taking longer to complete.)

3.) Purchase Tigers tickets for the next couple of games The Ford's hoping to attend. (Yes, just 4 months removed from basically having to bribe people into attending Tigers games with him, The Ford is now forced to plan ahead, and actually buy tickets -- bad tickets, no less -- in advance. If The Ford wasn't a man of the future, and not a man of the past, he'd be a bit miffed at this.)

4.) Find a bar. (This one's pretty much locked down. Y'know, The Official Bar of The Official Blog. It's Official for a reason, eh?)

5.) Hoist a beer to the mighty Cougs of Washington State, past and present, wherever they may be. (Two were recently sighted in Cleveland beating the hell out of the Lions. OK, one Coug (Jerome Harrison) beat the hell out of the Lions, the other (Kyle Basler) just punted. Twice. So there.)

6.) Drink said beer.

7.) Hoist a beer to the mighty Tigers of Detroit.

8.) Repeat Item No. 6.

9.) Hoist a beer to the less-than-mighty Mariners, who surely will have scored at least once by this time tomorrow. (Unlike The Ford.)

10.) Repeat Item Nos. 6,8.

11.) Realize that all this hoisting is getting to be a pain, and just start drinking beers silently.

12.) Realize how creepy it is to drink beer silently, and possibly ogle hot babes.

13.) Go some place where it's moderately acceptable to ogle hot babes while silently drinking beer: The laundromat! (No, not the laundromat. Some place else. Probably.)

14.) Play Golden Tee.

15.) Suck at Golden Tee. (OK, maybe Nos. 14 and 15 are one thing, but The Ford, looking to The Official Future, still holds out hope that he might get in one good game before falling apart in a spasm of yips. And, really, when you get the yips in electronic golf, you've got a problem.)

16.) Eat. (This one will probably come a little earlier in the list, actually, but who can say, really?)

17.) Hoist a beer to hoisting beers.

18.) Repeat Items Nos. 6,8 and 10.

19.) Return home, flush in the satisfaction of a good day.

20.) Ponder, drunkenly, who The Ford resembles more, Kevin Costner, Kevin Spacey, Kevin James, or Kevin Curtis.

21.) Realize that fantasy football may be taking over The Ford's brain, when Kevin Curtis makes a random appearance in The Official Blog.

22.) Decide, in any event, that it's gotta be Kevin Costner.

23.) Whimper quietly when none of the hypothetical hotties agree.

24.) Hoist a beer to all the Kevins of the world. Except for Kevin Bacon, Kevin Federline and Kevin Millwood. Those dudes really chap The Ford's ass.

25.) Repeat whatever steps had The Ford drinking the beer he'd just hoisted.

26.) Make drunken phone calls to whoever The Ford's actually programmed into The Newly Official Phone.

27.) Blog about the previous day, since this whole "blogging of the future" thing can't last THAT long, and The Ford probably won't have called EVERYONE who reads The Official Blog.


Thus Planneth The Ford


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