Monday, July 24, 2006

Y'know, dear reader, were The Ford ever to be asked what the hardest part of his job as a blogger is, he wouldn't have to think for very long on what it is.

It's not the ever-continuing quest to find content; let's face it, The Ford could probably write 20 inches on fruit flies, given a modicum of beer and lack of sleep.

Nor is it the impulse to rein oneself in, to take 20 barely readable inches on fruit flies (and Scarlett Johansson, of course. YOU may not think they go together, but, hey, that's what The Ford is here for.) and hack it down to 10 barely readable inches on Scarlett Johansson (and an inch on fruit flies -- the two topics ARE related, you know). It's the Web. There. Are. No. Length. Limits. Nor. Any. Limits. On. How. Many. Periods. You. Can. Use. Period.

It's not even the attempts to manufacture sentences that torture grammar but don't defy the Geneva Convention. (FYI, anytime you've got three commas, two long dashes, and a set of parentheses, you've taken the reader on a long-and-twisty sentence they're sure to appreciate.)

No, the true struggle for your modern blogger is attempting to write about the Miss Universe pageant.

It's not because there's nothing to write about; it's just that The Ford, recognizing that blogging just don't pay the bills like it did in his gran'pappy's days, has had to go get a second job, at The Official Newspaper, and thus, was unable to actually WATCH the pageant.

Luckily, he's got a photo wire feed, so he's feeling pretty caught up.

For example, there's the winner:
Zuleyka Rivera, of Puerto Rico.

She takes over from Natalie Glebova, of Canada.

Which is nice for the U.S., cause we get to remain neighbors with the reigning Miss Universe. That seems like it'll come in handy when the aliens attack.

Canada might have had a chance to repeat this year, but their, um, Miss Canada, The Ford supposes, was freakishly tall, (that's her on the far right) leading to rumors that the plucky Canucks, their attention riveted on the plight of the Edmonton Oilers, simply shaved Sasquatch. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Rivera beat out first runner-up Miss Japan, Kurara Chibana, (Guess which one she is...) who, aside from having a name that almost rhymes in a cool way, apparently won Miss Best National Costume for an outfit the L.A. Times described as, "a sexy samurai costume." The Ford can only hope such outfits catch on around Halloween.

Your second runner-up was Miss Switzerland,
Lauriane Gillieron, who was true to the oddly skinny nature of her name (So manyvowels! So many I's and L's! She's a headline writer's dream, and a copy editor's nightmare!) by being, well, oddly skinny. Yes, those are ribs. Even in a contest that prizes, y'know, beauty, that seems a bit wrong. Ah, but Miss Switzerland -- The Swiss Miss, if you will -- was reportedly "a favorite" entering the competition. The lesson, as always, in the Miss Universe pageant, is never bet on the favorites.
(Note: There's probably a "Miss Hungary/Miss Hungry" joke to be made about The Swiss Miss, but, no, wait, there's Miss Hungary now. Too bad.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, so to speak, was Miss United Kingdom, who apparently paid no attention to the "Utah rule" in effect for all pageants held in the U.S. (Whosoever shall weareth a one-piece swimsuit shall be cast out even before the cut to the final 10. Thus sayeth The Ford.)

Now, there's been some talk of Miss USA -- formerly Miss Kentucky -- getting a raw deal, despite her top-five status and use of the legendary "self-boob-grab," a bold move, to be sure.

Still, The Ford's gotta disagree here. Sure, she had the boob-grab, but really, that was just a shameless attempt to recover from her, well, her disastrous choice of national costume. Even with the whip, it's a textbook example of the classic erection inflater/deflater.

Besides, how can one argue with the choice of Miss Puerto Rico? Clearly, she was head and shoulders above everyone else. (Well, everyone but Miss Canada -- this time, on the left -- but we've covered that already.)

In the end, of course, everything worked out all right. The right woman won, and, for her prize, yes, that's right, she'll get to live for a year in an apartment in New York.

Her roommate? Miss USA.

Seriously.

Let's all take a moment of silence, in honor of the thought of meeting Miss USA in a bar in New York, going home with her, and waking up the next morning to find Miss Universe reading the paper in a teddy at the dining room table.



Moment of silence, people, moment of silence.


Mmmm...that's good ridiculously-chauvinistic-male-sexual-fantasy...

And, so, with that thought planted in your head, dear reader, The Ford must sign off, but not before he hits a few final matters, vital to world peace:

First, we have the sad story of Miss Indonesia,
Nadine Chandrawinata, who is apparently facing charges of indecency when she returns to her native land.

Indecency? They want to see indecency, they should consider Miss Russia. How in the world did she NOT make the top five?

But, all kidding aside, we could all learn a lot from Miss Israel and Miss Egypt, bravely standing together in this time of international crisis. Right before they got hammered at a party.

(And yes, The Ford knows that it's currently Miss Lebanon's home that Miss Israel's peeps are visiting, but "Miss Egypt and Miss Israel" is FUNNIER.Especially since Misses Israel and Lebanon seem to be getting along duckily with each other, and not posing for many photos together that The Ford can fine, other than this one. Kinda.)

Truly, the Miss Universe pageant is a beautiful thing.


Thus panteth The Ford.


3 Comments:

At 3:41 AM, July 25, 2006, Anonymous Chris said...

Fantastic blog.

was happy Puerto Rico and the chainy dress won.

 
At 3:23 PM, July 31, 2006, Blogger The Soviet said...

did you watch the gay boy make miss usa's dress on project runway? didn't watch the actual pageant but it was kinda nice.

 
At 5:07 AM, August 03, 2006, Blogger The Ford said...

Nah, I missed that. Still, that's almost a bit disappointing, that we're putting our fantastic national advantage in reality TV to work in the beauty pageant arena, and still we get whupped by Puerto Rico. Maybe we should get LeBron James and Dwyane Wade involved in the Miss Universe program. ("And Miss USA Dwyane Wade will go to the runway for ANOTHER catwalk after being fouled by Miss Germany...")

 

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