Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Yes, The Ford can think of few more decent ways to decompress from a 12-hour shift -- which was, in itself, a decompression from the 36-hour shift worked the two days before -- than to hang out in The Official Bar, chatting with various women with whom The Ford is on a first-name basis with, while not being particularly obligated to do anything rash, like, y'know, hit on them.

It's this sort of relaxation that The Ford thinks Scott Van Pelt sorely needs. Really. So much so that The Ford is willing, once more, in his semi-trumphant return to the world of The Official Blog, to ape Deadspin.

'Cause seriously, while The Ford has actually left messages for people in which he identifies himself as "The Ford" -- a "Rickey, calling on behalf of Rickey" moment if ever there was one -- he still has never left a voice message for a girl he met in a bar identifying himself by his full name.

The Official Rule of The Official Blog of The Ford, No. 64: If you're leaving a voicemail for someone you've met in a bar, and they can't remember you without the use of your last name, perhaps it's not nearly as deep a connection as you thought.

(And because The Ford knows you were wondering... Official Rule No. 1? That'd be "Never leave a bar without using the bathroom within 10 minutes of departure." Sure, it's a bit wordy, but you'll thank The Ford when you've cut your mad-dash-to-the-bathroom-to-avoid-wetting-yourself incidents by 75%)

On a completely different note, we find evidence that the wave, bane of The Ford's attendance as baseball games for as long as he can remember, may NOT have been invented by a Husky.

On one hand, this is disturbing.
The notion that a Husky, hated natural enemy of The Ford, would invent the thing he hates the most at baseball games, well, it just seems to tie the whole universe into a neat and tidy knot.

The Wave = Evil. Huskies = The Wave. Therefore, Huskies = Evil.

See? It works.

Then again, the only thing worse than ruining professional sports with the creation of The Wave might just be PRETENDING to create The Wave, when really, you just stole it from a Cubs fan.

This, too, oddly enough, fits into The Ford's view of the world at large.

Four final thoughts, in The Ford's never-ending quest to make a mockery of the phrase "final thoughts," to note:

1.) The Ford feels infinitely better about his extended stint at the Billy Goat in Chicago last week -- shrine to Mike Royko that it is -- after reading this sentence by the Chicago icon: "And if losing wasn't bad enough, we were beaten by a bunch of wimps from a beach-bum city. People who were actually silly enough to make a wave in the stands."

2.) Krazy George might be the only person who hates the Huskies more than The Ford.

3.) The Ford can't remember a single attempt at The Wave in five years at The Official Alma Mater. Perhaps that was because we were all TOO BUSY CHEERING to waste our time paying attention to other fans' actions.

4.) The Ford enjoys paparazzi photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt way too much. Now, most people dig celebrities because they get to do all the stuff regular folks don't, like dress up every night, and leak sex tapes. The Ford supposes that's his fascination with J-Lo-Hew... she seems to being all the stuff that he never gets to, like buying magazines, or grabbing some takeout Chinese.

This line of thought is too depressing.

Thankfully, it's the final, final thought.

Thus Observeth The Ford.


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