Sunday, February 12, 2006

If I ruled the world, you'd be able to organize TV channels by when they're useful. Like, your CNNs and ESPNs AND maybe even your HGTVs would be next to each other, in the "morning" bloc.
Your movie channels, networks and Comedy Centrals would be together in the "evening" bloc.
And then you'd have channels like OLN, in the "converation-starter" bloc.
Now, ordinarily, OLN is crap, worth watching only for hockey. But after about 9 p.m. Eastern, it gets weird. And I mean weird.
Rodeo starts things off. Not so weird in-and-of itself, until you see the cowboys who, um, are a little odd. THEY'RE WEARING HELMETS.
I didn't even know you were ALLOWED to wear helmets in rodeo.
And yet, there they are, wearing helmets with a full face cage. I keep expecting Dominik Hasek to come out and kneecap one of the bulls with his stick.
They follow this up with one of the most surreal shows I've ever seen, "Ted or Alive."
Basically a Survivor clone, except there's no real drama. I watched for 2 minutes, turned away, then looked back just in time to see someone bash a chicken's head against a rock. And then someone else did that. And then someone else.
Now, I can't hear what's being said, so there's absolutely no context here. It's just 15 minutes of people bashing in chickens' brains, and me saying "what the fuck?"
Ordinarily, it'd be horrific TV. But without the sound, you're just left waiting for some sort of visual explanation. Crazy.


At 3:56 PM, February 13, 2006, Anonymous Steph said...

You have to put "Bridezillas" in there as a "Reasons Why I Don't Want To Get Married (Just In Case)" situation. In fact, just toss Lifetime: Television for Women, Lifetime Movie Network and WE in there, too.

At 10:54 PM, February 13, 2006, Blogger The Ford said...

Yeah, for guys, those channels would be "The 30-Second Erection Channels," for when you needed wood quickly, and then need it to disappear just as quickly, just to make sure everything's still working down there.
Here's how it works: You see Meredith Baxter-Birney in the credits, and start thinking about her MILF status in the 80s, you're feeling good if you know what I mean, and then she comes on screen, and your systems shut down.

Y'know, I guess the net result's the same regardless of your drawing on the bathroom door.


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