Thus Sayeth The Ford

2008-04-28T01:39:00.001-04:00

Y'know, I'm sure 'what happens in vegas' is a perfectly nice movie, but I just can't take seriously any film whose promotional color scheme and typography seem stolen from a Taco Bell commercial. Plus, Ashton Kutcher.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Commercial shoot downtown! It's like a real city!

2008-04-16T19:24:00.001-04:00

Thus sayeth The Ford

2008-04-11T18:26:00.001-04:00

Y'know, as much as I like a clean phone, perhaps 'polishing my iPhone' should just be a euphemism.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2008-03-24T02:18:00.003-04:00

In the sprit of The Officia Alma Mater's Sweet 16 game on Thursday, it's The Once and Future Official Ringtone of The Ford, in non-convienient video form:

Go Cougs!

2008-03-17T01:47:00.003-04:00

The Official Alma Mater's in -- natch -- and with a four-seed, no less.

Of course, this means The Official Alma Mater will be most folks' trendy pick for a 4/13 upset.

Oy, such is the life for the Cougs.

2008-03-15T01:54:00.001-04:00

It's over.

The Ford would be full of vitriol, but, really, the Cardinal didn't win this one; the Cougs lost it. A slightly better performance from Baynes, some free throws at key times, some defense -- which they WILL be practicing between tonight and Thursday -- and the Cougs might have pulled it out.

On to the Sweet 16!

2008-03-15T01:40:00.002-04:00

Yep, at this point, it's just Kyle Weaver and The Ford dialed in to the Coug game -- OK, The Official Girlfriend's likely watching, too -- and even The Ford's getting drawn away by the tales of sex acts by Comerica Park patrons, as told by Tiger Club workers...

Thank YOU, Official Bar...

2008-03-15T01:33:00.001-04:00

11 points?!?

Motherfuckers!

On the bright side, it looks like Stanford is setting up everyone up for another bracket-busting loss. No way The Official Nerd Herd is getting past the second round, since they won't be matched up with the Cougs again...

2008-03-15T01:23:00.002-04:00

Must. Not. Comment. Again. On. Cougs'. Inability. To. Shoot. Free. Throws.

On the bright side -- according to a sign in the stands -- it's snowing in Pullman. Explains the cheerleaders' gloves, at least.

And Kyle Weaver, amazingly hits, two FTs. The Ford is stunned.

2008-03-15T01:18:00.002-04:00

And through it all, The Official Alma Mater's still down by 7.

This here's a losing battle, unless the defense shows up...

2008-03-15T01:15:00.003-04:00

So ... Schadenfreude is the German term for "shameful joy" -- a feeling of happiness derved from someone else's failure.

What's the Germans' term for the feeling of Daven Harmeling finally scoring again, followed by seeing one of the Lopezeseseses pull down a board, put up a shot, get the points AND the foul, all against 3 Cougs.

Probably the same term for seeing Derrick Low make an amazing steal, fight for the ball near half-court, then make a sprawling outlet pass to ANOTHER Coug spawled on the flood. How the hell did the Cougs maintain possession?

2008-03-15T01:11:00.001-04:00

Aron Baynes, something tells The Ford you're headed to Pete Newell's Big Man Camp.

For the love of Butch T. Cougar, stop fouling!

2008-03-15T01:04:00.001-04:00

Lee cannot be stopped, and a certain WSU cheerleader is VERY excited. Pert, almost.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're riding the Lee-Train...

2008-03-15T01:00:00.002-04:00

Correction: The Lopez twins only have 21 points.

Yeah, The Ford feels so much better now.

On the bright side, Harmeling's taking his mighty 3 points to the bench.

Also fun: this half, it's Stanford 5, WSU 2, in 4-plus minutes of play.

Somewhere -- possibly in L.A. -- Dick Bennett is smiling.

Wait, Derrick Lee hits the 3! COOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUGS!

2008-03-15T00:58:00.001-04:00

30 freakin' points from the Lopez twins?

The only answer?

More Cowgill!

(OK, really, it's more Rochestie, but that doesn't have an SNL skit to go with it.)

2008-03-15T00:53:00.002-04:00

Ah, the nightly Official Angry Aron Baynes Walk To The Bench....

It's late tonight, especially considering he's got more fouls than points and rebounds combined.

Enjoy your night, Lopez twins.

And oy, now it's Cowgill for Kopvrica... can FSN's graphic on Croatians in the Pac-10 be far behind?

2008-03-15T00:39:00.002-04:00

Halftime, and The Official Alma Mater's only down by 4. The Ford's been worse off.

Then again, the Cougs are shooting 75% from the 3-point line. That can't last, can it.

Damn, the Georgia Dome. God hates the Crimson Tide, apparently...

OK, time to study the Hooters ad ... er... stats online....

2008-03-15T00:31:00.001-04:00

The Official Nerd Herd's commercial? A cat chasing a laser pointer.

This is why they invented Google, and The Official Alma Mater invented broadcast journalism.

Maybe.

2008-03-15T00:24:00.001-04:00

Want to know why The Ford loves Pac-10 hoops?

Right now, The Official Alma Mater and The Official Nerd Herd have combined to go 8-for-13 on free throws, and 8-for-11 on 3-pointers. That's right, they're all better shooters from 20 feet than from 10. Long live the Pac-10!

2008-03-15T00:21:00.001-04:00

We've got a Daven Harmeling sighting! He now has more points than in his last three games combined.

2008-03-15T00:15:00.002-04:00

Random thoughts:

Thank God the lone cheerleader who keeps showing up on screen for the Cougs has a nice rack. She's like a one-woman recruting poster.

Also, why, exactly, do the Coug cheerleaders now have gloves? It's cold in Pullman, but, y'know, this game is in Los Angeles. (Yes, there's a slutty cheerleader joke in there somewhere, but The Ford's not making it till The Official Alma Mater's down by 20, God forbid.)

FSN must have spent all of $30 on their illustration of where all the Cougs came from, and yet they've shown it six times this season. I think we know how Rupert Murdoch is getting paid.

2008-03-15T00:13:00.003-04:00

Up, 13-8 at one point, the Cougs are down 24-17 with a full seven minutes left in the first. Yes, that's a 16-5 run for The Official Nerd Herd of the Official Conference of The Ford.

The Ford would be much more virulent in railing against the Cardinal, but he's pretty sure they have access to Terminator technology. That scares The Ford.

2008-03-15T00:08:00.002-04:00

Aron Baynes kinda makes The Ford want to stab his eyes out, or at least burn any Crocodile Dundee memorabilia he can get his hands on. 7 feet tall, and he can't shoot free throws, stop an opposing FORWARD, or rebound.

Meanwhile, D-Lee has me looking for a grass skirt to wear.

2008-03-15T00:02:00.002-04:00

OK, while the brand-new Official Mac works on an iphone update in the Official Bar, The Ford's gonna try his hand at some of this here live-bloggin' stuff during The Official Alma Mater's deathmatch with the Cardinal.

We've already seen almost 10 minutes of profiles on the Cougs prior to the game.

Normally, The Ford would say any publicity is good publicity, but there's something depressing about realizing it's all running tonight so FSN can save the Stanford stuff for tomorrow night's Pac-10 title game. Fuckers.

We've also already seen the Cougs' lone free ad, the always entertaining "Rwanda" ad.

Ephiphany: Perhaps the reason the Cougs have stunk at basketball for so long is that we keep sending kids to Africa to help with coffee growth, and not getting any in return.

2008-03-10T03:03:00.001-04:00

Oh, and while we're ruminating on the female form, let's give it up for The Official NL Team acquiring some major-league talent --in the stands -- over the offseason.

http://umpbump.com/press/hot-baseball-wife-alejandra-tejada/#more-1956

Granted, she's no Mrs. Jose Lima, but then again, who is?

Thus sayeth The Ford

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The Fashion Police

2008-03-10T02:54:00.001-04:00

The Ford bought a new suit a while back, round about a month ago.

(Suffice to say, The Ford's hazy on the date, save that it was the same day as the Michigan sports hall of fame induction ceremonies, the occasion neccessitating the new duds.)

He looks GOOD in The Official Suit, and he hasn't even broken out The Official Second Shirt/Tie Combo, much less The Official Third.

Nevertheless, The Ford's stuck with a peculiar sense of failure, for, really, doesn't EVERY guy look good in a suit?

That's why we wear them, after all -- the pleasure of looking good without particularly having to think about it.

Really, it's The Official Gender's lone leg up on the fairer sex. (And, yes, The Ford thought long and hard before giving masculinity the Official Nod. Not that he was thinking about switching sides, but The Ford's quite fond of the perks and pleasures the gals bring to his bloggy life. Nevertheless, Wazzu's The Official Alma Mater, The Freep's The Official Employer, and XY is The Official Chromosomal Combo of The Official Blog of The Ford. Though any attempts by the ladies to sway those officialities are always appreciated.)

Anyway, it's The Official Gender's lone leg up, except for this: The lasses look just as lovely suitclad as we do.

Better, even.

We can't win. And we can't all wear kilts.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2008-03-05T04:10:00.001-05:00

Dear God, it's The Ford.

(OK, that homage to Judy Blume stunk, but The Ford is putting The Official Blame on Talladega Nights' hospital scenes.)

Remember when The Ford begged and pleaded for more snow? He's done. And not even because he can't deal. He's had 10 inches fall while he was wearing a windbreaker -- in May. (The Official Alma Mater broke The Ford of weather-phobia years ago.)

No, The Ford's easy and breezy on foot in the D; he's just not looking forward to the hundreds of conversations he's sure to have in the next two days about The March Blizzard. (It ain't The Official Blizzard until The Ford's got some Official Statistics -- wouldn't want to throw The Ford's weight behind something till it's sealed like Obama.)

So, God, let the snow fall ... And everyone can call in sick tomorrow.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2008-01-25T00:18:00.001-05:00

As The Ford sits in The Official Bar and watches the PAC-10's game of the night, he's forced to conclude he hates all the other schools. Other than the Beavers.

For who can hate the Beavers?

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2008-01-12T00:56:00.001-05:00

Ye gods, the NBA is a depressing place for The Ford.

Not only is The Official Team loaded with talent and so abysmal that they're headed for the no.3 pick this year, but there's almost no doubt they're moving to Oklahoma Fucking City.

Normally, this would not be quite so depressing, but The Official Alma Mater's hoops prowess has The Ford a.) caring and b.) able to recognize good basketball.

Andrew Bynum is kind of a monster. That's the lesson The Ford's taking from ESPN's Friday night hoops-cast.

Perhaps Kevin Durant and The Official NBA Team will return to said telecast someday before they move to OKFC.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2008-01-09T21:38:00.001-05:00

Deep within the college basketball season, The Official Beard of The Official Blog of The Ford slumbers. It waits, it waits for when it will be needed.

The Citadel? Idaho State? Hardly.

No, the powerful mojo of The Official Beard has been lying in wait for this weekend, for The Official Alma Mater's swing through Los Angeles, also known as The Official Season-Killer.

But this year, this year, The Ford's breaking out The Official Beard, now seven weeks strong without so much as a hair trimmed.

Behold, Trojans and Bruins, the power of a mighty man-mane, especially as The Ford watches Thursday live from The Official Martini Bar of The Official City of Residence of The Official Blog of The Ford.

Go Cougs.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2008-01-03T22:51:00.001-05:00

Things The Ford is wondering:

-- Why the front-runner for both parties' presidential candidacies is determined by a douche in a sport coat counting hands in an Iowa middle school.

-- Why Republican Mike Huckabee is one of the said front-runners, while Democrat John Edwards runs third.

-- Why Fox's Jeannie Zelasko reminds The Ford of a stripper ever so slightly past her prime.

-- Why The Ford agreed to be featured in The Official Employer's feature on interesting desk decorations tomorrow.

-- Why The Ford's interests in hockey and rock seem dominated by Swedes: in hockey, it's the Wings-Stars game that featured 11 Swedes; in rock, it's the combined brilliance of The Hives and Jens Lekman.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2007-12-19T16:49:00.001-05:00

Thank you, ESPN, for your airing of cheerleading finals at 4 p.m. Putting this on at, say, 11 p.m. last night -- Y'know, when you were showing another pointless dog show -- might have led viewers like The Ford into a shameful night of self-abuse (and what's more shameful than spanking it to a cheerleading competition?) instead of a shameful night of drinking.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2007-12-18T01:44:00.001-05:00

Also, a quick question: Are MVP voters allowed to take bedroom companions into account?

We'll know the answer if Tony Romo (Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood) beats out Tom Brady (Gisele Bundchen, Bridget Moynihan).

Then again, were this the case, Kurt Warner might never have taken home an MVP award.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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2007-12-18T01:25:00.001-05:00

It is a somber night for The Ford.

87 percent of The Official Fantasy Football Teams were eliminated from the playoffs, his buddy got dumped, and, fresh off a night of dominating -- The Official Handicap stands at -11 -- at Golden Tee (and serving as a de factor club pro for The Official Girlfriend), he shot a tremendously disappointing round. And there are no bare breasts in front of him.

Of course, given that The Ford is at The Official Bar, and not a gentleman's club, this is, perhaps, to be expected.

A long December, indeed.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Wings

2007-12-13T22:43:00.001-05:00

The Official Red Wing had two goals on six shots tonight in a loss personally witnessed by The Ford. It's almost enough to make The Ford wish he'd worn his Wings sweater.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Ice Storm 2007

2007-12-10T02:42:00.001-05:00

The Ford is seriously considering a lawsuit for the three deadbeat building owners who conviently forgot to salt the sidewalks in front of their buildings, leaving The Ford the option of slipping on the ice and breaking a semi-important appendage or two or walking in the street and taking his chances with oncoming traffic. Tonight in the D, traffic was the superior choice. Assholes. They can build 300 condos seemingly overnight, but can't figure out that they're liable for injuries on their sidewalks.

The Ford loves Detroit, but there's some damn big idiots in charge of some damn big projects here.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Friday

2007-12-08T04:34:00.001-05:00

Into each life, a little rain must fall, and into each group of drunks, someone must be the guy who makes severely hedonistic suggestions. This is the guy who suggests the gentleman's club at 1, when it's an extraordinarily unproductive activity, and the guy who buys a round of shots for the table of moderately cute girls in the corner at 1:30. The lesson being, of course, is that this fella is a double-edged sword, capable of both good and evil in one fell swoop.

The Ford was that fella tonight, though his hedonistic desires were limited to a bowl of chili plain with cheese.

And with such a simple desire, he dragged a foursome down into the coney muck with him.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Cougs

2007-12-06T03:33:00.001-05:00

After The Ford's first fully-watched Cougar game of the season, he's feeling good. The win over those Bing-Crosby-loving Zags has him feeling like The Official Alma Mater's players should be banging hookers and snorting coke off of strippers' midsections. Of course, strippers and hookers are few and far between on the Palouse -- just ask Mike Price -- so The Ford feels a bit of remorse that he was unable to serve as a proxy in semi-sinful-Detroit. Then again, when the game ends at 1:26 EST, The Ford's options are limited. Especially if you ask The Official Girlfriend.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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More Musings Over Laundry

2007-12-04T04:11:00.001-05:00

Yes, it's Day 2 of The Official Laundry Project, partially brought to you by The Official Girlfriend, and The Ford is back with more questions.

1.) Why does The Ford have so many T-shirts and so few pairs of underwear? What does this say about The Ford?

2.) How is The Ford supposed to wash The Official Collection Of Hawaiian Shirts with shrinking them? The Ford's experimenting with the delicate cycle, but he fears it may be for naught.

3.) Who is the tiny woman who has left a load of laundry in The Official Auxilary Laundry Room? (The Ford has his own washer/dryer combo in The Official Apartment but needs to do multiple loads at once.) All The Ford knows is that she is tiny, likes pink (both the color and the clothing line from Victoria's Secret), and has several newly cleaned-though-not-claimed flesh-colored G-strings. The Ford, as he is wont to do, suspects a stripper. Then again, what stripper chooses to live across the street from a strip club? (Welcome to The Official Neighorborhood.)

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Musings Over Laundry

2007-12-03T03:21:00.001-05:00

Five things The Ford has always wanted to ask every unattached woman he meets in a bar -- but never has (in no particular order):

1.) Wanna fuck?

2.) No, really.

3.) What size bra do you wear?

4.) What color eyes does The Ford have?

5.) Which way to Pantytown?

Thus sayeth The Ford

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One out of two ain't bad.

2007-11-27T20:24:00.001-05:00

Day off checklist:

Haircut? Nope.
Six beers before 10 p.m.? Check.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Wild And Crazy NBA Time

2007-11-26T02:37:00.001-05:00

After Loss no. 15? 16? (The Ford is losing count.) for The Official NBA Team, The Ford's getting excited for the NBA Draft. Unless The Official Team wins the damn lottery. That happens, well, the law of screwed Sonics fans dictates that the city will roll over in its fight to keep the team and Derrick Rose will be tossing dimes to Kevin Durant to win titles in Oklahoma City for the next decade. As always, oy.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Gobbledygook

2007-11-22T20:51:00.001-05:00

Turkey Day is here,and thus, so too is The Official Birthday of The Official Scarlett Johanssen. Oh, and of The Official Best Friend. Guess which one The Ford's going drinking with.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Hockey Night in America

2007-11-21T23:07:00.001-05:00

It's hockey night and The Ford's annointing The Zetterberg as The Official Red Wing.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Turkey Day Advance

2007-11-21T18:04:00.001-05:00

Finally. The Official Apartment is nearly spotless, or at least, as The Official Grandpappy used to say, 'Good enough for your girlfriend's family to visit.'
The Official Grandpappy had an oddly prescient way with words.

Thus sayeth The Ford

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Take Two.

2007-11-21T01:11:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the mobile Ford era, bitches. The Ford can blog from any where. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Thus sayeth The Ford

2007-05-25T03:48:00.000-04:00

Maybe The Ford's getting older...

Actually, there's no maybe about it, considering the laws of time and entropy are still in effect.

OK, so The Ford's getting older. Really, he is. Official Birthday No. 28 is less than two weeks away.

Still, it's a bit disconcerting to read this list and discover how many hot celebrities are over 35.

Gwen Stefani? 37? Seriously?

Salma Hayek? 40? Man, The Ford's still scarred from watching Desperado -- unedited -- with his parents.

Giada DeLaurentis at No. 6? Not that she's not a babe, but... No. 6? Somebody at MSN has been watching the Food Network a bit too much...

The Official Top Five Rankings of The Official Blog of The Ford, AKA, The Official 35YOILFs:

5. Gwen Stefani, 37

4. Elizabeth Hurley, 41

3. Lucy Liu, 38

2. Halle Berry, 4o

1. Salma Hayek, 40

2007-05-21T09:33:00.000-04:00

The Ford is not one to tear down good ideas, simply because they're not perfect.

Actually, no, that's exactly the kind of guy The Ford is.

Which brings us to yesterday's debacle.

The Ford was all set to enjoy a late Sunday evening showing of the CBC's 24th anniversary edition of The Official Imported Movie of The Official Blog of The Ford, along with The Official Best Friend.

Just one problem. Because The Official Red-Colored Hockey Team's playoff game ran long, The Ford was left with, um, about 35 minutes less Official Imported Movie than he expected.

Well, technically, The Official Best Friend had 35 minutes less Official Imported Movie -- The Ford's been without cable TV for the better part of 18 months. But still, the point is the same..

It's the same problem The Ford had whenever he'd try to record TV shows after the Super Bowl.

Why?

To get all tech-geeky, VCRs/DVRs/TiVos/whatever you use use highly updated television listings to know when things are going to be on. How hard could it be just to tag each show broadcast with a carrier wave of some sort, unique to each show, that your recording device could pick up on, and know that that show was, um, that show.

Of course, this might require a digital system cable of tracking hundreds of channels feeding into a receiver at once.

And yet, if we can create a satellite TV channel that shows only red zone opportunities every Sunday during the NFL season, surely we can work this out.

Wouldn't you pay extra to know that what you wanted to record was actually going to get recorded EVERY TIME.

The Ford knows he would.

That is, were he paying for cable at all, and not just hanging out with folks with cable. And you wonder why The Ford just watches shows on DVD these days.

In other news:

The Ford caught a Sunday matinee showing of "Meaningless Revenge III: The Cardinaling." Or, in other words, the Tigers-Cardinals game.

The Ford picked up a new Tigers hoodie that's just a skoche too tight, making for some awkward moments when removing the hoodie. ("Why yes, that is my natural chest hair. I'm very proud of my man-fur...")

Also, as much as The Ford hates watching Neifi Perez play (he was going to write "hit" but then he realized Neifi the Inning-Killer doesn't hit so much as carry a piece of lumber from the dugout to home plate and then back again. His two career options were basically "lumberyard" or "ballpark." How lucky for us he chose "ballpark."), he does enjoy the moment when N.P. comes up to bat, and the stadium is filled with the sounds of Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'."

Yes, Neifi Perez is big-pimpin'. One just imagines him thinking, as he comes to the plate,
"Me give my heart to a woman
Not for nothin' never happen'
I'll be forever mackin'
Heart cold as assassins, I got no passion
I got no patience and I hate waitin'
Ho, get your ass in."
Followed by, "Damn, I grounded out again."

Actually, on the video, it kinda looks like Neifi on the boat, if you, um, squint. And drink heavily. And are blogging on too few hours of sleep. And have a grudge again Neifi Perez.

So The Ford's covered.

2007-04-12T03:32:00.000-04:00

72 fucking saves for Luongo. 36 in overtime. Stop and consider that. One shy of the NHL playoff record.

36 in regulation. on 40 shots. And then? Overtime.

36 shots. 36 saves. And a win, thanks to m-f'in Henrik Sedin.

The Ford can't even blame Marty Turco. Nothing he could do.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Luongoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

2007-04-12T03:22:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, we're now watching the sixth longest game in NHL history. Of course, the fourth longest was a loss for the Stars. That ain't good.

Y'know, say what you will about this game, it really should get Mike Keenan fired. How he ever thought it was a good idea to get rid of Roberto Luongo -- even for Todd Bertuzzi -- is beyond The Ford. Seriously. 62 saves in six periods. Damn.

Also, this is the highest scoring 4OT game ever. Eight goals, with another on the way, some day.

Just thought you should know that.

2007-04-12T02:59:00.000-04:00

Many things to note, but right now, The Ford is grabbing some quick Web time between the 3rd and 4th overtime in an epic matchup between The Official NHL Team and Vancouver.

Really, this game has been everything The Ford could expect, especially considering he didn't start watching until the third period.

But how can you not love a game that features The Official Team falling behind by two goals with 12 minutes left, and then storming back to score twice in 5 minutes.

And then no one scored.

For, um, let's see, 66 minutes at this point.

That's hockey, friends, and The Ford's eating it up.

At least until the Red Wings go 5 OTs in their playoff opener tomorrow night in The Ford's second Second Season at The Official Employer.

Modanooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

2007-04-03T04:32:00.000-04:00

Ahhh... it's the most wonderful day of the year: Opening Day.

Yes, The Ford finally managed to make it to one of them, catching the Tigers' 10-inning loss to Toronto with a bevy of buddies including, but not limited to, The Official Girlfriend, The Official Best Friend and The Official Tiger. (OK, The Official Tiger was a bit distracted, seeing as how he was pitching, but he was with The Ford in spirit...)

Though, just as the mice will play when the cat's away, when The Ford's at a Tigers game ... yes, the ladies will seek out his Myspace profile.

14 separate friend requests from scantilly clad women The Ford doesn't know. 14.

Damn.

If The Ford wasn't skeptical of any medium where porn is given away for free, he'd almost be excited.

As it is, though, he's just annoyed he has to go clean out his friend requests. Again.

2007-03-26T23:07:00.000-04:00

Greetings from The Official Bar. Didn't have much to say, other than there are worse things than hanging out with your best friend, your girlfriend, a newspaper colleague and beer, all in one place, complete with WiFi. Good times.

2007-03-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

Apparently, The Ford is not The Ford.

At least, not according to The Official State of Residence.

Y'see, a couple of weeks back, The Ford finally broke down and decided to get a Michigan driver's license. As much as he digs the Washington one, well, it's been a while since he lived among the rolling hills of the Palouse (or near the banks of the Columbia, or whatever natural landmark floats your native Washingtonian's boat).

Of course, in Washington, it takes only a piece of picture ID to prove you are who you say you are.

In Michigan?

One photo ID, plus two more pieces of identification. PLUS two more pieces of identification proving you do, indeed, live in the state of Michigan.

Because so many folks are come from other states to get their licenses while bathing in the warm glow that is Michigan bureacracy.

Somehow, after ransacking The Official Apartment, The Ford managed to pull together the various pieces of ID, including, but not limited to a w-2 form, an electric bill, an old WSU yearbook, a driver's license, a paystub, and, naturally, a certified birth certificate.

Of course, this is where the problem began.

Y'see, The Official Dad wasn't entirely thinking clearly when he filled out the birth certificate, and bestowed a long-ass name -- William Robert Ryan James Vinson Ford -- on his eldest son, Yours Truly. (How, why? Well, it's a long story. Buy The Ford a drink some time to hear more.)

But The Ford's always gone by the much simpler Ryan James Ford. Or Ryan J. Or The Ford. Or The Official Ford of The Official Bar of The Official Blog of The Ford, if you're not into the whole brevity thing, man.

This used to cause some problems with the military, back when The Official Parents were in the service and The Ford needed an ID card to visit them. For years, The Ford was The Official William R.R.J.V. Ford, a mouthful indeed, and even worse on an ID card.

Eventually, even the Feds saw the idiocy of that, and started putting Ryan James on the card.
Which is how The Ford got his Washington license.

Now, everything tags to the real name, but for the purposes of, well, life, The Ford's a generic Ryan James, rather than the oh-so-exotic William Robert... or even Billy Bob, if you share The Ford's crimson-necked roots.

Except in the Michigan Secretary of State's office.

There, and possibly only there, The Ford is William Robert...

Which caused a problem, since, according to that logic, all the ID I presented showing who I am and where I live is for some other Ford, some Ryan James tool.

So, right now, The Ford's case has been sent on to the SecState's Exceptions Department.
Of course, The Ford should have seen the SecState's problem coming.
See, the Exceptions Dept. is in Lansing. Though, in point of fact, the office isn't actually in Lansing, a fact all of the SecState employees point out 3 seconds after telling you they're sending your case to the Exceptions Dept in Lansing.

And so, The Ford asks this: If SecState employees can continually reference a department in Lansing that isn't actually in Lansing, how can they not grasp that William Robert Ryan James Ford's name is not actually William Robert Ryan James Vinson Ford?

Eh, fuck it, man. Let's roll.

2007-03-23T23:37:00.000-04:00

Greetings from sunny Detroit and The Official Bar, faithful readers. (The Ford's tempted to greet all three of you by name, but well, he doesn't want to get anyone in trouble...)

Previously on The Official Vacation of The Official Blog...
Day 1: The drive to Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky (Someday, someone will come up with a decent nickname for that area. For now, The Ford's calling it "Drunkytown")
Day 2: The drive to Atlanta (Complete with late-night Chinese food and a rousing game of "Bar or Strip Club?"
Day 3: St. Patty's Day in Atlanta (Complete with MORE late-night Chinese food, lots of booze, a crashed house party, and a devastating Coug loss THAT NEVER HAPPENED.)
Day 4: The big push to Orlando (Complete with, um, laid-back chilling at multiple hotels)
Day 5: Tigers 6, Reds 2 (Complete with a fun dinner at Chick-fil-a, and a game of miniature golf in which The Ford showed off his mastery of putting.)
Day 6: More miniature golf when the Tigers' game vs. the Pirates is sold out (Complete with a Duval-like collapse on the first 27 holes of the miniature golf rematch, and a stunning recovery for par on the final nine, plus, well, lots of drinking on the course. All miniature golf courses should sell beer by the bucket.)
Day 7: Universal Studios (Complete with several rides, some good ribs, some Spider-Man underwear, and a viewing of "300." It might be impossible for The Ford to top this level of geekiness for a while.)
Day 8: Tigers 5, Indians 4 (Complete with a blown save by Jonesy, a ninth-inning rally by the Tigers, and 3 hours of driving immediately following the game)
Day 9: 18 additional hours of driving (Complete with the WORST waffle The Ford has ever had, at a Waffle House clone in Georgia

Anyway, enough with the recap... The Ford's got three more days of vacation left. What does that mean for you, Official Readers?

Probably not much, though there is the possibility of posts during a marathon baseball draft session tomorrow...

Tonight, though, there's... LINKS!

The Ford applauds this effort out of the nation's capitol, but can't help but feel there's a SLIIIIIIGHT Beltway bias...

You never like to see anyone get hit by a car (unless they're a F'Usky), but the really interesting thing in this story is that North Carolina's mascot is apparently named after a condom. Good to know.

PLUS ... TIGERS THOUGHTS!
Tigers 6, Reds 2 (Monday)
Kenny Rogers looks good, and it looks like Zumaya's abandoned any idea of easing up on the fastballs -- he was hitting 102 mph for the better part of two innings. A good thought, especially when his change-up drops down to 83 mph like it did Wednesday.
Tigers 5, Indians 4
Sometimes Todd Jones just falls apart on the mound. Ugh. Though the worse thing might have been the Tigers teeing off on Fausto "Terrible Closer" Carmona for upwards of 10 hits, and scoring only 4 runs, thanks to 6 double plays. Best comment of the night from The Official Drinking Buddy, uttered when Polanco came up for the first time all night with no runners on base: "Right now, Polanco is trying to figure out how to hit into a double play with nobody on..."
Also, Bonderman, well, he's The Official Tiger of The Official Blog, but it can be tough when he starts nibbling at the corners with a sizable lead. Once he figured out to just chase hitters with his heater, things settled down. Still, the Opening Day starter went only five innings, with only one start left in Lakeland. Go figure.

2007-03-19T18:22:00.001-04:00

Modanooooooooooooo!

Stupid Preds. Good hockey team. Bad move.

2007-03-19T17:50:00.000-04:00

Hurricane Ford finally hit last night.

Quick trip recap: Left the 313 on Thursday, went through Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia and finally arrived in Florida on Sunday. Think of it as something approximating Sherman's march to the sea, but with more drinking, and less burning.
This brings The Ford's states visited up to 33.

create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide

So far, no real damage, other than a nice little sunburn from the Tigers' 6-2 win this afternoon. Apparently, The Ford's new Tigers jersey honoring The Official Tiger of The Official Blog of The Ford did little to prevent excessive redness. Good to know.

If only he'd been on the cool list -- note to self: fire publicist -- and gotten to hang out with Mike Illich and Al Kaline in the owner's box in Lakeland. Bet it was shady up there.

Then again, with snow reportedly falling in Detroit this morning (a rumor which spread through the stands at Joker Marchant faster than a Paris Hilton joke through the cultural elite), The Ford could probably do without some shade this week.

Staying in Orlando is making The Ford long for a bit of sublety, at least as far as business names go. The Ford's lost count of how many Chinese food places he's seen called, simply enough, "Chinese Buffet," or even worse, "Chinese Food." Which makes him wonder how people ever meet anywhere for dinner here.

Next up: More drinking, more baseball (Tigers-Pirates in Bradenton with The Official Ex-Competition), and, um, more drinking. Perhaps even more sunscreen.

Any questions? Probably not, but if you're wondering, dear reader, The Ford'll be hanging out at "Chinese Food."

See ya there.

2007-03-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

He's back!

Yeah, it's the all new Ford, back in the blogosphere.

Um... wahoo!

So, what happened?

Well, long story short, The Ford's Internet connection at home went a bit wonky, and, yadda yadda yadda, he went about 6 months without a new post of any signifigance.

What's covered in those yaddas?

Not a whole lot that's interesting, but if you really want to know, well, you've probably already contacted The Ford to find out. If not? Well, screw you.

The Ford's sitting in Atlanta this fine morning, running The Official Computer just a few blocks from Turner Field in the middle of his road trip to Florida for spring training.

(God help the grammarian who tries to parse that sentence...)

The Ford has had quite a 24 hours here in Tepid-lanta. (So named for its sudden cold snap.) There's nothing like crashing a house party in the gayest neighborhood in Atlanta -- actually, The Ford can't say for sure it's the GAYEST, per se; let's just say it was really gay -- getting booted from said party (twice) watching the Cougs basically collapse against Vandy, making friends with a North Dakota alum who just wanted to watch hockey on one of the biggest college basketball days of the year, catching a shuttle to a gay bar, bailing on the gay bar for a strip club, bailing on the strip club when a taxi magically appeared, and then bribing The Official Drinking Buddy to stay down in The Official Hotel Bar for an extra hour to give The Ford some, er, alone time with The Official Girlfriend.

Got all that?

Oh, and then An Official Coworker called, drunk off her ass, and the room decided to order Chinese food. And did The Ford mention The Official Girlfriend's search for The Official Glasses of The Official Girlfriend during a conversation with the Official Coworker, all while wearing The Official Bedsheet Toga and The Official Sun Hat of The Ford.

Yes, quite a night.

Really, The Ford could see himself staying in Atlanta for quite a while.

Well, if he weren't decamping for Florida in about an hour.

2007-01-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

Not dead. Just broken. Boo.

2006-12-05T05:57:00.000-05:00

Update time:

1.) Former WSU coach Jim Walden, now much hated by Wolverine nation, is a god for putting Florida at the top of his Harris Poll ballot. Oh, it's not that The Ford agrees with his rankings; claiming Florida is the best team in the country is completely bat-shit insane. No, it's that The Ford isn't sure whether he did it to extract revenge against Michigan for the 98 Rose Bowl, or just to make sure OSU wouldn't have a perfect BCS ranking. And any time you have two motives for revenge, equally compelling, well, you've gotta follow your heart and submit a bat-shit-insane ballot.

(Also, how cool it is that he's always described as "ex-WSU coach"? He actually left WSU for Iowa State, before returning to Cougar Nation a few years ago to do radio color commentary. He also has one of the best Cougar quotes of all time: this.)

2.) Based on recently received information, the soon-to-be Mrs. Modano is The Williford, not The Willa.

3.) Snow has fallen here in the 313. Already, the pigeon carcasses are tough to pick out in the drifts and snowbanks.

4.) The Ford will likely be rooting for the F'rojans in the Rose Bowl, if only because he hates the Wolverines slightly more. Though if it's anything like the F'rojans' game against the Fighting Irish, he'll probably spend most of his time vacillating between rooting for the F'rojans, rooting for a meteor strike, and hating himself for both actions.

5.) Mascots are cool. (OK, that wasn't really an update, but still, it's a good story.)

6.) The Ford's a travellin' man. Well, not yet, but he might be making a stop in your town soon!*

*Offer good only for those folks living in the Northwest in early January and those folks living in Syracuse in mid-February.

2006-12-03T03:16:00.000-05:00

On this, the crappiest of all college football Saturdays, The Ford's gonna talk...

Hockey.

No, really.

Actual NHL stuff and everything.

OK, semi-actual NHL stuff, since rather than recap the game The Ford caught this week featuring the local Russian thug...er...Red Wings and The Official NHL Franchise (the first Dallas loss The Ford has ever seen in person), The Ford's just gonna highlight that he's not the only Ford who digs the Stars.

Wait, that came out wrong. Somehow.

Um, yeah, anyhow, The Ford's favorite position player of all time apparently is working on a few different positions in his spare time with Ms. Ford.

Probably best that you take her off the market, to avoid any confusion between The Willa and The Ford.

For example, here's the quick facts on The Willa, thanks to our non-existent friends at Bodognation.com:

Ranked No. 60 in Stuff magazine's "102 Sexiest Women In The World" (2002)
Formerly linked to Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, and Dallas Stars center Mike Modano
Will be featured in the March 2006 edition of Playboy
QB for the Dallas Desire of the Lingerie Football League

Meanwhile, the quick facts on The Ford:

NOT ranked in Stuff magazine's "102 Sexiest Women In The World" (2002) (Also not a woman, so that might have just been a technicality...)
Formerly linked to, um, er... wow. It's not exactly a long list. Dang.
Will be likely be buying the March 2006 edition of Playboy, someday soon.
Would like to meet the Dallas Desire of the Lingerie Football League

So, there you have it, the major differences between The Willa and The Ford.

Just in case you were wondering.

2006-12-02T04:31:00.000-05:00

Lessons The Ford has learned to open December:

1.) There is a time and place for an extremely drunk stripper. 12:30 at the bar is not it.

2.) Never let said stripper get ahold of your cell phone.

3.) Never take your beverage back to the VIP room with you. Bad things will happen.

4.) Never visit a gentleman's club alone. If for no other reason, someone must remain behind to watch the beer.

5.) Save the beer, save the world.

6.) Always accept rides from beautiful women.

7.) Accepting the relative rarity of such offers, always carry gloves and a warm hat.

8.) On a night with bitter cold and a biting wind, a good bowl of chili and slice of pie can make the night seem neither that cold, nor that biting.

2006-12-01T03:26:00.000-05:00

It's not that The Ford's not occasionally homesick for the Great Northwest. (Or, as he hates to call it, The 206/360/503/509/253...)

It's just that it's usually a dull ache, instead of the sharp pang of homeward pull The Ford felt after reading this.

Then again, it has probably been 15 months since The Ford tasted the wares of Mr. Weinhard, a Private Reserve drought long enough to make any man go insane.

2006-12-01T02:59:00.000-05:00

Can you feel the MAC Championship Fever?

The Ford can't, but that's probably because he was too busy fighting off driving rain and 30 mph winds.

Inn any event, Detroit played host to Central Michigan and Ohio universities this fine Thursday evening, and, for some reason, OU brought the co-eds, while CMU brought only the alums.

This could have something to do with CMU being due back in town for the Motor City Bowl in a month's time, but The Ford prefers to imagine it's more due to OU having some lovely ladies, while CMU is a full-blown sausage-fest.

There's no actual scientific basis for this claim, save that at the bar The Ford was hanging out at, the OU girls (ya gotta like any gals whose shirts read, "OU? Oh yeah!") were in full drunk mode, while the CMU alums were drunkenly trying to hit on them.

Now, the OU gals weren't the hottest women The Ford's ever seen (one unlucky gal's bosom was actually described as "concave" by a member of The Ford's drinking/Golden Tee party), but their Skankiness Quotient was certainly making up for any hotness deficiencies.

It's not exactly what The Ford's come to expect from the OU women he knows, but, well, it's just damn good to see folks enjoying themselves after a 21-point loss that wasn't even that close.

And, yeah, The Ford's already looking forward to the CMU ladies, when they finally hit the Motor City for, appropriately enough, the Motor City Bowl.

Skank on, ladies.

Thus observeth The Ford.

2006-11-30T03:37:00.000-05:00

This is a post for all the West Coast readers of The Official Blog.

Not that it's an attempt to start some sort of West Coast-East Coast-Midwest blog war, but really, if you're in the Midwest or on the East Coast, you're probably familiar with The Ford's activity Wednesday night: Killing hookers.

No, wait, actually it was just euchre.

The Ford always gets those mixed up.

In any event, The Offical Bar hosted its first Official Euchre Night, which, thanks to some mathematical rule, The Ford imagines to be The Official Euchre Night of The Official Blog of The Official Ford of The Official Bar of The Official Blog of The Ford.

Damn, synergy takes a lot of words sometimes.

In any event, after three weeks of admitting The Ford does not know how to play euchre, and hearing the question, "Well, have you played spades?", to which The Ford always answers, "Well, kinda," The Ford finally knows how to play euchre.

(Not so much spades, though. He vaguely remembers the rules, but prefers to block them out in favor of the rules of hearts. The Ford's a lover, don'cha'know?)

And how.

In his first euchre tournament, The Ford finished in a respectable tie for first place.

As The Ford occasionally says, any tournament you walk away from in first place is a good one.

Especially considering The Ford spent 20 minutes trying to convince The Official Seahawks Beat Writer that euchre does actually exist.

So that's something.

(Oh, and The Ford also played a pretty mean game of Golden Tee. But, heck, that's almost expected now, eh?)

2006-11-28T04:17:00.000-05:00

Someday, someday, The Ford will have just one rooting interest in a single evening.

But Monday was not that day.

First, The Ford got to witness the first loss by The Official NHL Franchise while he was in attendance, thanks to some ridiculuous play by Mr. Zetterberg (who was not one of the Three Stars of the game, for some reason not apparent to anyone who actually WATCHED the game).

And then, the world evened itself out with a come-from-behind win by The Official NFL Franchise, so that kinda evened things out.

Kinda.

Never mind that The Ford was wearing gear supporting the losing team. Never mind that said gear, apparently such a drastic change from the usual style of The Ford, reportedly made him quite invisible to those not already alerted to his presence.

Not, the thing to mind is that, somehow, Seattle had snow, and Detroit had 60-degree temperatures all day. And is forecasted to have the same for the rest of the week.

The Ford thinks he's gonna stop considering the implications of all of this until it snows in Detroit.

There's no metaphor there; he'd just really like some snow soon.

2006-11-26T04:01:00.000-05:00

Someday, someday, The Ford will be the drunkest idiot on a pub crawl, the guy everyone feels sorry for and embarrassed by.

Saturday night, though, he was just the single guy with a high tolerance for alcohol.

Thanks, pre-funk. Thanks, Official Bar that makes sure The Ford gets at least three beers after work, regardless of when he gets off.

The Ford has to admit that the one advantage of being the last survivor of a pub crawl is being able to choose the music at the home/pre-funk bar. and when one does a good job (Stevie Ray Vaughan, Buddy Guy, Buddy Holly, Cake, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra), well, it's a good feeling.

Not a good feeling that gets one laid, but still, at the end of the night, The Ford knows he's done his job, sheparding everyone back to the homebar safely, and giving them awesome tunes to boot.

Makes up a bit, he supposes, for rooting for the Fuckin' Trojans over Notre Dame.

Eff it.

Let the rest of the nation enjoy the pain The Ford feels every time The Official Alma Mater loses to the F'rojans....

2006-11-23T06:15:00.000-05:00

The Ford would like to say that, after three days of seeing the preparations for Detroit's annual Thanksgiving parade, which should be rolling past The Official Window in about three hours, that he is prepared for it.

He is not.

He went out last night for The Official Pre-celebration of The Official Birthday of The Official Drinking Buddy.

Which is not to be confused with The Official Celebration of The Official Birthday of The Official Drinking Buddy, which actually arrives Saturday.

Of course, sometimes, at such things, you wander into an impromptu lesbian sex show, as well, as not one, but TWO fights between a boyfriend and girlfriend.

Yes, if this was the Pre-Celebration, The Official Celebration should really be something.

On the bright side, The Ford also got to watch Harold and Kumar go to White Castle -- while eating White Castle.

It's a meta-life, y'know?

2006-11-21T03:04:00.000-05:00

MILESTONE ALERT (albeit a geeky one):

The Ford is no longer teeing off in Golden Tee from the red tees.

No, after three months of vaguely dedicated play -- including three weeks of almost nightly play on the new 2007 courses -- The Ford has dropped his handicap from something around -10 to +2.

Of course, this means The Ford routinely gets his ass handed to him by The Official Drinking Buddy, among others, but at least he won't get shit about losing while shooting from the red tees.

Even better, in Game 1 from the blue tees, The Ford actually set a personal record for strokes under par at -8.

(He then proceeded to bogey or double bogey the final 7 holes, but we're not focusing on that....)

Then again, he was also carrying on conversations with two lovely ladies who, being new to the whole Golden Tee experience, requested explanations on how the game works.

The Ford's not gonna blame the ladies -- a true playa never blames tha game, dog -- but, really, he might have shaved a couple of strokes off his final score without the interruptions.

Then again, if he'd focused on the ladies, he might have shaved a few strokes off something else, if you catch The Ford's poorly constructed double entendre.

Eh, screw it. It was a good night, full of fine women, song, beer and golf. In no particular order.

Thus Parreth The Ford.

2006-11-20T04:05:00.000-05:00

As The Ford tries to forget that The Official Alma Mater TOTALLY Coug'd it against the Huskies (again), The Official NFL Team couldn't beat the freakin' Niners, and The Official Fantasy Teams went 0-8 this week, he's left with two things:

1.) He does not work at this paper...

... nor does he want to. But he might not mind it during the World Cup. (Mostly, he just figures that the hours spent knocking out the backgrounds on the women might make up for the seeming MONTHS he's spent zooming in on crotches when knocking out actual athletes. But hey, they're just pixels...)

2.) The Official High School's heading to the state semis in football, with an outside chance to face Centralia in the finals. Granted, it's not the rivalry The Ford enjoyed with Olympia and Capital back in the day, but, well, at least it's a team he actually played against. (granted, it was in soccer, but hey, a matchup's a matchup...)

2006-11-18T04:51:00.000-05:00

Bo Schembechler's dead, and everyone from Michigan AND Ohio State is sad.

It's a weird rivalry.

The only thing comparable The Ford can think of for The Official Rivalry Game would be Rick Neuheisel.

But, of course, if he died, both team's fans would be happy.

OK, not really, but The Ford is considering starting a band called The Dead Neuheisels. All the members will be named Rick (Dick might be acceptable), have to wear turtlenecks and lie about interviewing for jobs and participating in forbidden basketball pools.

Yeah, this is totally gonna go over huge in Eugene, too. And probably Boulder.

2006-11-16T04:53:00.000-05:00

Really, The Ford's barely easing back into this whole "watching TV" thing, with a show caught online here, a show caught in a bar there, etc.

But, um, why do they even bother with a plot on "Las Vegas"?

Ridiculously hot women wearing next to nothing -- unless they're the classy gals, in which case they're fully clothed but, er, frippling out -- plus Jimmy Caan chilling?

OK, it's not quite appointment television for The Ford, but, still, there's something to be said for it.

Mostly after The Ford's thrown back a few at the bar, though.

(Even when Nikki Cox is on...)

2006-11-15T07:30:00.000-05:00

It truly does not matter how tired/jaded/drunk you are: 30 minutes of Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke, followed by 2 hours of blowing shit up as Chewbacca in Lego Star Wars II will absolutely cure what ails ya.

And now, to sleep, perchance to dream of a Coug victory in The Official Rivalry Game of The Official Game of The Official Blog of The Ford.

Go Cougs.

2006-11-12T05:59:00.000-05:00

Boy, y'know, it's tough to say which takes more air out of The Ford's balloon, two straight losses to the Arizona schools, both of which, well, probably aren't as good as The Official Alma Mater, or knowing that, while having 6 wins and being bowl-eligible is pretty sweet, you're in a class of schools that include, hmm, let's see:

Kentucky (6-4)
Southern Miss (6-4)
Tulsa (7-3)
Middle Tennessee (7-3)
San Jose State (6-3)
Two of the three Directions in Michigan (Central and Western, both 7-3)

Hell, even Idaho is only two wins from being bowl-eligible this season.

Looks like The Cougs are just one win over the F'Uskies away from guaranteeing at least a fifth-place finish in the Pac-10, and a trip to San Francisco.

This. Does. Not. Bode. Well.

2006-11-11T04:12:00.000-05:00

Wow.

Gary Sheffield.

Huh.

Yeah, The Ford's trying to be excited about the move -- hey, TANSTAPP! (There Ain't No Such Thing As Pitching Prospects!) -- but really, he's just kinda annoyed that the Tigers not only had to trade a major pitching pros...er, TANSTAPP!, minor league pitcher, but had to pay Sheff about $14 mil a year for two extra years.

The Ford doesn't know much, but if you say you'd like to join a team because you want to reunite with your favorite manager of all time, um, shouldn't you maybe cut them a break on the price.

Cause, y'know, The Ford's a cool guy to hang out with, full of witty observations and deep soulful eyes that seemingly yearn for a good conversation, but he's not getting a discount on too many lap dances.

(Waitasecond, is it fair to compare pro baseball players to strippers. After all, they're just hard-working professionals who wish to make the most from their main talents. Lumping them in with guys like The Sheff -- a guy who reportedly tanked plays to get traded and threw his bosses under the bus in New York -- is just wrong.)

2006-11-09T05:38:00.000-05:00

The Ford got a haircut Wednesday.

Actually, to paraphrase an old joke, The Ford got several hairs cut, right on top of his head.

Reactions have been mixed, though apparently split down the middle gender-wise.

All the guys The Ford has talked to have soundly criticized the haircut.

All the gals The Ford has talked to have come out in favor of the haircut.

So... who to side with, the gals or the pals?

Hell, if nothing else, it's nice to once again be without mutton chops AND not have to wait 20 minutes for The Official Hairstyle to set before The Ford goes to work/battles the Michigan wind.

For now, The Ford's gonna go with the pals, based solely on the suspiscion that women are much better at talking their fellow women off the ledge when they get a bad 'do, while guys are pretty much blunt about whether the 'do is good.

Then again, The Ford didn't get his hair cut to impress the dudes.

Truth be told, it's all to impress the soon-to-be-once-more Ms. Spears, now that she's dumped K-Fed.

Is there a hotter single MILF right now than Britney?

The Ford argues not, though, for some reason, when he staged this debate last night, he was presented with this choice: "Dude, who would you bang, Britney Spears or Salma Hayek?"

To which the correct response is, oddly enough, not "Salma Hayek" -- though she is far and away the hotter of the two -- but instead, "Both," for any hypothetical universe that would allow The Ford to "bang" either of them is surely so skewed that, well, he could bang both.

At once?

Well, that's a blog post for another day, true believers...

(And yes, there would be pics of both haircuts -- though none of Ms. Spears or Ms. Hayek -- for complete strangers to judge, if only The Ford could figure out how to get pics from his phone into his computer. Apparently, just beating one against the other does no good. Sigh. Technology.)

2006-11-08T06:35:00.000-05:00

Really, there are few movies -- especially among the subgenre of baseball flicks -- The Ford enjoys as much as Major League.

Another viewing, slightly drunken, and still The Ford picks up something new.

Two things tonight:

1.) The only proper response to the "Too high/Too hard" debate is, "Who gives a shit? It's gone."

2.) The Ford is convinced Lou Brown's decision to shorten the Indians' rotation to three men (Kellner, Harris and Vaughn, with Vaughn occasionally coming out of the 'pen as well), while winning the AL East for the Tribe, probably cost them years of contention. Lou Brown: Brilliant motivator, but horrible for young pitchers. Kinda like Dusty Baker, when you think about it.

2006-11-07T06:22:00.000-05:00

Y'know, living out here in the 313, where OSU-UM hoopla is starting to build up to ridiculous proportions -- 11 DAYS LEFT UNTIL THE BIGGEST GAME EVER!!!!! -- it can sometimes be easy to forget about the one game that really matters.

The Apple Cup.

Yes, in just 11 days, it'll be The Official Alma Mater hosting The F'Uskies on the rolling hills of the Palouse.

And, yeah, it may not be for a national title shot, but it'll probably determine which bowl the Cougs -- and The Ford -- go to.

And if that wasn't enough, you had this happen Monday night:

Yes, that's Tyler Brayton, grandson of legendary WSU baseball coach Bobo Brayton (the man half of the Cougs' Bailey-Brayton Field is named after) kneeing the former F'Uskies standout-slash-fuckup Jerramy Stevens. (Stevens is also from the greater metropolitan area The Ford called home for many a year growing up, as well as a high-school associate of The Official Bad Road Driver, but we're not gonna discuss that much.)

Now, Brayton went to Colorado, so it probably wasn't Apple Cup-related. Actually, scratch that.

The Ford doesn't believe it's Apple Cup-related mostly because he has a hard time believing that Stevens -- the fella who managed to hit one of thosd fast-moving, suddenly appearing nursing homes with his car -- might connect Brayton and WSU, much less care about the Apple Cup.

But, as The Official Driver's Ed Instructor of The Official Blog of The Ford pointed out tonight, "While I certainly don't condone kneeing a guy in the nuts, if the guy getting kneed is Jerramy Stevens and the guy doing the kneeing is the grandson of Bobo Brayton, well ... let's just say I understand."

Well said, sir, well said.

Go Cougs.

11 days left.

2006-11-06T03:12:00.000-05:00

Apparently downtown Detroit is about 9,000 folks short of really hitting the "critical mass" needed for self-sustaining growth.

So, uh, if you know somebody moving to Michigan, point 'em this way...

On the plus side, apparently those 6,500 living downtown are, like, totally edgy and hip.

Then again, The Official Apartment has 24-hour valet parking, a security card, and an exercise room. How edgy could he be?

2006-11-04T03:08:00.000-05:00

Someday, when The Ford has crossed over into the realm of international espionage, he will schedule all his secret rondevouzes (rondevouzi? roundevouzees?) at crowded bars, popular with the younger, upwardly mobile set. That is to say, the folks who spend all day making money, and all night spending it while getting drunk and dancing. (It's simliar to The Ford's M.O., but with less of the working, and more of the spending, drinking, and dancing. Scary as that is.)

In said bar, The Ford will be able to conduct all sorts of business virtually unnoticed by the natural clientele, and unrecorded by most modern surveilance methods.

And then, when some shit blows up in a foreign country (whose name certainly wouldn't rhyme with Stanada), The Ford will retreat to another bar -- one quiet, yet filled with music from a good jukebox; deserted, yet filled with hot women looking to live on the wild side; small, but easy to move around in.

Eh, screw it. The Ford may just skip all that espionage shit and just hang out at that second bar.

Oh, wait, he does.

2006-11-03T04:04:00.000-05:00

Ah, the end of The Ford's first 2-day weekend in nearly 5 weeks, as well as the return of his Internet connection...

Gosh, it's almost like a blog post was ordained from on high.

Today, well, today was a day of capitalism in all its forms.

1.) Tried Wendy's latest experiment in hamburgerology, the Jalapeno Cheddar Double Melt. Which also included bacon, for some reason. And pepperjack cheese. And like so many good movies, it was the bacon and the pepper jack that stole the show from the higher-billed ingredients. OK, the jalapenos deserve some Oscar buzz, but really, the cheddar was phoning it in like Marlon Brando in every movie after The Godfather.

2.) Picked up some DVD boxsets of TV shows (The Wire, The O.C., Undeclared), all mostly nerdy enough to let The Ford keep his Official Geek Card for another month. (His whole "I've never read the Lord of The Rings Trilogy" keeps him on probationary status indefinitely.)

3.) Picked up two of the three best comedies of last year (Wedding Crashers and 40-Year-Old Virgin), and almost completed the trilogy with The Aristocrats.

4.) Spent 30 minutes mulling whether one electric razor was truly worth twice the cost of another. Decided it was. Just shaved with it, and, once again, The Ford was totally right. Best. Shave. Ever. Even if it did take him 20 minutes to set the analog clock in it.

5.) Earned more Geek Points with the purchase of a classic Transformer (Bumblebee) for The Official Cubicle. Man, if Transformers had been this cool -- or this well-made -- when The Ford was first buying them, he'd never have stopped. A drastic difference from GI Joes, which have just gotten shoddier in 20 years.

6.) Bought a pack of A-frame undershirts (wifebeaters to you and The Ford, though not to Fruit of the Loom) well before realizing The Ford just looks like a shabbily attired pro wrestler in them.

7.) Luckily, The Ford backed himself up in his need for undershirts with some regular Ts. For some reason, they come in a resealable bag. Seriously. The Ford's not sure why he might ever need to reseal his T-shirts, short of demonic possession, and he's not sure he wants to be sure.

8.) Played the new Golden Tee 2007, which hit town Thursday. New game, same results for The Ford: pretty close to par, which he supposes is more than he can say for The Official Drinking Buddy. Then again, The Official Drinking Buddy is shooting from the black tees, and can putt decently to boot. The Ford'll be 10 shots behind him by this time next week.

9.) Met some ladies. They were friendly. (Far more capitalistically than The Ford would have liked.)

10.) Finished off the evening with lamb-stuffed grape leaves. And some Mountain Dew. Oh, those Greeks.

2006-10-31T05:41:00.000-05:00

After months of searching for a source of thin-sliced pastrami (sorry, Hilshire Farms, but rippping the pastrami off the cow, packaging it, and then calling it "thin-slice" just doesn't cut it.) , The Ford finally gave up and bought some packages of corned beef.

Long has The Ford disdained corned beef as a lesser variation on pastrami. (It's basically pastrami minus the smoking process.)

But tonight, The Ford made himself his first corned beef sandwich -- corned beef, mustard, mayo and Muenster cheese, on dark rye.

Delicious. Just delicious.

(Yeah, that was a lame post, even for The Ford, but, well, it was a freakin' awesome sandwich. Here, enjoy the Anne Hathaway as The Ford tries not to flash back to the afternoon he made the mistake of taking a nap in the theater hosting an afternoon showing of "The Princess Diaries." Really, the only thing creepier than going to sleep in an empty theater and waking up surrounded by 12-year-old girls is then watching a pretty good movie, and then trying to nonchalantly meander out of the theater filled with said 12-year-olds, all of whom are a full two feet shorter than you. Creepy all around.)

2006-10-30T04:22:00.000-05:00

How in the holy hell is Oregon No. 24 in the AP poll while The Official Alma Mater is 25th? Sure, the Ducks beat, um, um, um... Oklahoma?
But the Cougs would have, if, say, they'd had the Pac-10 refs the Ducks got that weekend/

Meanwhile, the Cougs did beat one top-25 team: The Ducks.

The Cougs' 3 losses? No. 6 Auburn (26 points), No. 9 USC (6 points) and No. 10 Cal (18 points). The Ducks' two losses? The Cougs (11 points), and hey, No. 10 Cal (21 points).

So have your fun, AP voters.

The Ford's plenty glad to see the Cougs back in the top 25 for the first time since 03, but, seriously, if you're gonna be stupid enough to leave the Ducks there, too, what's the damn point?

2006-10-29T06:42:00.002-05:00

Well, the Tigers lost. As did the Stars, on Friday. (For the record, The Ford was backing the Tigers with his hat. Fat load of good that did. David Fucking Eckstein. Jeff Motherfuckin' Weaver. Bah.)

But, Saturday? Saturday, it was The Official Alma Mater coming up HUUUGE, getting their sixth win and becoming bowl-eligible for the first time since the 2003 season. And, y'know, with three games left, against Arizona State, Arizona and the F'Uskies? Yeah, The Ford's gonna be spending a few days in a nice place, drinking and bonding with a few thousand Coug fans. San Diego? El Paso? Hell, The Ford'll take Phoenix or San Francisco, too.

Um, go Cougs.

2006-10-27T06:33:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, The Ford faces a tough decision: Which hat should he wear?

Should he wear his Tigers cap, with the entire season on the line, hoping that a week without it -- its 1-1 record over the weekend earned it a much-needed Verlander-like rest -- will have restored its karmic mightiness?

Or should he wear his Dallas Stars cap, as The Official NHL Team hosts the hometown Red Wings?

Normally, this wouldn't be a debate; it'd be the Olde English D all the way.

But The Ford's noticed that, when he's rooting for two teams in two sports, the one not supported by his clothing tends to win. The one endorsed by his headgear or sweatshirt tends to lose. Thus are the karmic scales balanced, The Ford believes.

Of course, this has really only been tested this year on Saturdays with The Official Alma Mater going head-to-head with The Official Sports Mistress. And in that case, um, one team is, well, good, the other is, well, The Official Alma Mater. Their wins are few and far between anyway. (Editor's note: Not as few as in past years though. Cougs are totally Taguchi. That is to say, SO going to a bowl.)

Obviously, this is quite the dilemma -- one The Ford suspects will not be solved until he wakes up tomorrow and forgets to put on either hat.

2006-10-24T05:51:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, dearly beloved, we are gathered here to day to mourn the passing of a great man.

Er, that is, we're hear to mourn his LACK of passing.

That's right, it's officially time to call Drew Bledsoe's football career dead.

It was a good career, full of long passes, thrilling wins, and bone- (and sternum-) crushing sacks.

Who could forget the way he, a simple coach's son, rose from Walla Walla to prominence at The Official Alma Mater, winning a snowy Apple Cup that is, for many Cougs of The Ford's generation, the defining moment of the rivalry with The F'uskies?

Or the way there was actually a debate over who the better QB was, Bledsoe or Rick Mirer? (And yes, as if to pay for the three glorious years of WSU Bledsoe, the Pacific Northwest ended up with several years of Seahawk Mirer. Still, almost worth it...)

Or how he heralded a return to wide-open offenses in the NFL, throwing 50 times a game, simply because New England had no one else on offense? (Seriously, he threw 43 times a game in 1994 -- his 691 attempts that season are an NFL record. By 36. In fact, three of the top four attempt totals are Bledsoe's. Marion Butts, Michael Timpson, Vincent Brisby. These were the other top Patriot offensive threats. Yikes.)

Or that he managed to carry the Patriots to a Super Bowl just four years after they'd won just one game in a season. Really, it was a positively Tigers'like renaissance.

How many QBs manage to hang on in the NFL for a good 10 years AFTER they make the Super Bowl? (Yes, we see you back there, Mr. Favre, but we're refusing to call on you right now...)

Sure, he may not have been the greatest mentor for a young quarterback. Or the most mobile passer ever. Or, well, able to win a title as a starter, for that matter.

But, really, when The Ford's moved onto the big Madden game in the sky, and he needs a QB to run the Ford-Gun offense, well, he'll be calling on No. 11.

Assuming he doesn't get sent to hell for the way he's going to torture Dallas fans this season.

Then again, torturing Cowboys fans? That's practically the Lord's work, right there.

2006-10-22T06:15:00.000-04:00

The Official Sports Cult Leader wins. (See, other folks actually go through the whole spelling/chanting routine of W-A-SHI-N-G-TON-ST-A-T-E-C-O-UGS-gocougs! And you thought The Ford was the only one...)

The Official Sports Mistress does not.

Apparently, The Official God-like Being No. 49 has decreed that only one of The Ford's teams may win on any given day, and it will not be the team supported by The Ford's clothing on that day.

Awesome.

2006-10-19T02:46:00.000-04:00

Let's face it, the NLCS will likely come down to a ninth-inning pinch hit.

And thus, the Cards obvioulsy have the advantage, with uber-sub So Taguchi going 4-4 in his 2006 postseason appearances, with a slugging percentage of something like 2.750.

Putting that in perspective, Taguchi's slugging percentages from five years in MLB only add up to 2.101.

Who needs Pujols?

In a rare public-service-minded mood, The Ford offers The Official So Taguchi-themed Headlines:

1.) They're So Champs

2.) Not So fast

3.) He's So Money

4.) So, So, So, it's magic!

5.) So-ing Machine

6.) As Cards' So, so did they reap

7.) Put a So-ck in it!

8.) High and So

9.) Friends in So places

10.) Taguchi-coochy-coochy!

11.) So Yeah!

12.) Taguchi Bagged.

13.) Ta-ta, Taguchi! (OK, that one's mostly if the Mets win...)

2006-10-18T03:11:00.000-04:00

Perhaps, just perhaps, we've pretty much run out of things to be addicted to in America.

For a while, we just had alcohol. Then drugs. Then food. Then weight loss. Then weight gain. (Though probably not in that order.)

And now?

Now, the hook du jour is, apparently, porn.

Yes, The Ford was waiting 25 minutes in line at the grocery store tonight, face to face with Kirk Franklin ("GP! Are ya wit' me? GP!") and his lovely wife Tammy.

Honestly, they looked a bit two-dimensional, which may or may not be attributable to their presence being only in magazine form. (This week in Ebony!)

He had a hot wife. And an addiction to porn.

Now he only has a hot wife.

There's probably more to this story, but really, the inclusion of "porn" on a magazine cover only gets The Ford to read so much.

And then, The Ford gets home and his AOL IM starts trying to sell him on "Glenn Beck," which is either a lame winery, a solid David Mamet screenplay, or a Headline News anchor who does special reports, this week, on "America's addiction to porn."

First, why does Headline News have a dude doing takeouts?

Is not the point of Headline News to simply report the headlines?

It's not like it's a vaguely named network or anything -- The Ford's looking at you, Vs. -- and yet they feel the need to not show, um, HEADLINES.

There's a whole MTV/MTV2 rant building up here, but let's not lose focus.

This week, "Glenn Beck" is reporting on porn and America's addiction to it.

Which is odd, since usually the stories on porn run in November during Sweeps.

But Glenn Beck is a REPORTER, not a CALENDAR MAKER, and so tonight, The Ford learned that the porn industry is bigger than all of professional football, basketbal and baseball combined. (But apparently not hockey. Hockey puts pro sports over the top. Hooray hockey!)

Also bigger than the Big Three of pro sports?

Oil? Yes.

The military-industrial complex? Yes.

(Yeah, The Ford hates to sound all wishy-washy liberal AND have to resort to an Eisenhower-era term, but well, when the shoe fits...)

Insects? Yes. (No, seriously, insects provide about $57 billion in support to other industries. Which makes The Ford feel kinda bad about beating the hell out of a spider the other day in the bathroom...)

But can Glenn Beck be bothered to go after Halliburton or your local entomologist?

Nope, he's going after the porn stars.

Of course, Glenn Beck also can't be bothered to wear a tie in his promotional photo, so The Ford should probably cut him some slack.

Unless he shows up on the cover of Ebony next month, and The Ford has to stare at him for 25 minutes.

Then Glenn Beck's going down.

2006-10-17T06:16:00.000-04:00

Ah, the rains, um, rained down upon mankind by a vengeful National League-hating God have finally made their way to the 313, and, almost as if synchronized, so too has a storm of work hit The Ford.

So, he'll keep this short, or at least aim for that.

-- 6-for-8 in fantasy football this week. Granted, The Ford's fantasy football talk is dreadfully boring to everyone but the guy who owns the teams (i.e., The Ford) and the guy facing The Ford (i.e., The Official Hated Enemy), but still, 6-for-8 ain't too shabby, especially when two of the winners were winless to this point.
Leaving the Oakland Raiders as possibly America's only winless team.

Which, The Ford feels, is probably pretty close to the way God wants things...

-- Heard a great idea tonight: Retiring a hat for each season. At the end of every baseball season, when your team can play no longer, you take a Sharpie, write the date (and perhaps an inspirational message) on the inside of the cap, and retire the sucker. Put it in a place of honor, forever to remind you of the greatness of the baseball season. (Or, if you're a Cubs fan, burn the hat in an attempt to remove whatever bad juju made your team hire Lou Piniella.)

-- Time does pass in The Ford's world, if only evidenced by the fact that this thought didn't cause an immediate loss of blood to the brain. Ah, for The Ford of two years ago. He wasn't cute, but he wasn't cool either. Wait. That's The Ford of today, too.

Eh, at least The Ford The Elder's truck is nearly paid off.

Eat it, The Ford The Younger!

2006-10-14T05:10:00.000-04:00

Y'know, The Ford saw these all in their original form as a kid -- and even has a few on DVD, somewhere in The Official Apartment -- but he never realized how weird it was for G.I. Joes to come out of nowhere to help kids until he saw the dubbed/edited versions. (Deep Six coming out of the water is just a mite creepy...)

Oh, and the Tigers won again, even with The Ford in attendance. One win from the World Series. Words hard to find. Basically? It was good.

2006-10-13T03:45:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, as a blogger, you write 900 words on the NBA Dance Team bracket, all in the second person.

Other times, you hit a diner, have a club sandwich, and go to bed early, knowing you've got an afternoon Tigers playoff game to go to.

Guess which time this is...

2006-10-12T03:18:00.000-04:00

So, the White Sox are beginning all their night games next season at 7:11, thanks to some moolah from, natch, 7-11.

Perhaps this is an untapped revenue source for some other teams....

Why not have:

The Blazers tip off at 4:20?

The Ducks play on Saturdays at 3:11? (The po-po code for "Loud and obscene," which surely applies to their uniforms.)

The Bengals kick off at 5:05(0)? ( 5-0-5-0? A cry that surely goes out quite often around the team when Chris Henry's around.)

The SuperSonics take the court at 7:47?

2006-10-11T06:56:00.000-04:00

For years, The Ford has believed one thing above all others: In times of awkwardness, The Ford is king.

It's a belief born from years and years and years of being the awkwardest guy in the room. The short guy. The tall guy. The young guy. The old guy. The dumb guy. The smart guy. The drunk guy. The sober guy. The guy willing to go against the rule of threes.

Yes, all these guys has The Ford been, often many of them at once.

And so,The Ford believed that in times of awkwardness, times of nervousness and silence, well, those would be the times The Ford was a man in full.

While others sought something to dilute the pain of an awkward moment, The Ford would be the one sitting back, perhaps not enjoying the awkwardness, but certainly familiar with it.

Tonight, though.

Tonight, The Ford was off his awkward game.

It was not that the particular moment was particularly awkward.

No, it was that when confronted with the awkwardness, The Ford was also confronted by his apparent Kryptonite.

Boobs.

Note this: It's not that The Ford is afraid of the boobs, or even unfamiliar with them. It's just that when they are injected into an awkward situation, The Ford is often left defenseless.

Really, it's a situatuion common to many men. Boobs are good. Boobs are plentiful. But introduce them into an otherwise normal situation, and men end up looking/acting like idiots.

We don't blame women for this. In fact, we sorts honor them. They have learned to deal with the boobs. For them, boobs are basically a walking home-field advantage, not unlike Lambeau Field or Oregon's MacArthur Court (depending on cup size....)

Meanwhile, The Ford is befuddled, left to get embarassed like a rookie cornerback facing Peyton Manning.

Who is a bit of a giant boob himself.

Go figure.

2006-10-10T04:45:00.000-04:00

Oh, and WTF ever happened to Pac-10 football uniforms?

It all started when Oregon got those gawd-awful neon yellow unis.

The Official Alma Mater tried their hands at it, implementing two helmets.

Oregon retaliated with THREE helmets, and about 30 other changes, including printing on the shoulders that looks like treadmarks, and a number font resembling self-applied duct tape.

The Official Alma Mater, not to be outdone by those dirty, stinking' hippies, waited until its second nationally televised game of the the year and then broke out The Official Crimson and Gray Abominations. (No, really, they're unpopular...)

Somewhere along the line, Oregon State tried out bright orange jerseys, and then thought better of it... seriously, these are uniforms so ugly there's actually no photographic proof of their existence anymore.

Finally, Cal got into the act, breaking out their own bright yellow duds, ironically enough, against Oregon:

Which is why The Ford must say Enough.

Freakin' Enough.

OK, Pac-10?

The Ford doesn't care if you go back to what you had, or if you stick with what you've got, but y'know what?

You're done.

Cut off.

Thus Sayeth The Ford.

2006-10-10T04:12:00.000-04:00

Things The Ford Knows, Special "Gleaned from magazines mysteriously left on The Ford's desk by his coworkers in the past three days, no, seriously" Edition:

1. Brooke Hogan? Not that hot.

2. Gordie Howe? Totally a bad ass.

3. Beth Ostrosky? Also not that hot.

4. The PS3? Totally Sweet.

5. Marisa Miller? Absolutely that hot.

2006-10-09T05:21:00.000-04:00

Day ? of Tigerwatch 2006, which means The Ford will not be getting much sleep for the next fortnight or so.

Now, The Ford doesn't always want to make it about him -- though, let's face it, this IS The Official Blog of The Ford -- so he's gonna point out just how cool it was of the Tigers to run into the clubhouse, grab some champagne, and celebrate with the fans in attendance. (One of whom would have been The Ford, were it not for his pesky attention to duty...)

Which makes it even weirder that they'll not play the A's, the team that banned alcohol in the clubhouse after Esteban Loaiza got a DUI after a game.

Then again, The Ford's pretty sure he saw some bubbly flowing in the A's clubhouse when they bounced the Twins.

Was it non-alcoholic bubbly? Does that sting as much as regular bubbly? Would the A's be truly beloved by teetotalers across the country if they'd just have sprayed cool, clean Yoo-Hoo all over the place? Is The Ford getting kickbacks from the folks who make cool, clean, refreshing Yoo-Hoo in exchange for product placements?

All these are unanswered questions to The Ford... and one supposes to you, too, dear reader.

There's probably more unanswered questions, but, for now, let's just focus on what Famke Janssen's gonna bring to "Iron Man."

Cool, clean, refreshing, non-alcoholic Yoo-Hoo!

Thus Blatherith The Ford

2006-10-07T07:05:00.000-04:00

Tonight, as The Ford was watching The Official Sports' Mistress' playoff game, and trying not to feel bitter about how work/the inability to beat the Royals was keeping The Ford from experiencing the joy of the playoffs in person for the first time, he had an epiphany...

It's not about the playoffs.

The fun The Ford had at 30-some regular-season games isn't diminished because he can't go to any playoff games. It's still there. No, really, it is.

The Ford didn't go to those games because he thought the team was good. Or because he thought the team might be good, and he wanted to get in on the ground floor.

Indeed, he went to the games because they were there, because he digs baseball.

And thus, he was rewarded with a fantastic season.

But even if The Official Sports Mistress would have lost 120 games, the season still would have been worth it, simpley for the many individual memories.

Really, the beauty of the baseball season is that, in going for 162 games, it forces you to just enjoy the games, without worrying about how they affect the pennant race.

It's in stark opposition to football -- either pro or college -- where there are so few games that each one feels like it's life or death.

The Ford doesn't want to get into a whole George-Carlin-difference-between-football-and-baseball thing, but really, The Ford will continue going to as many baseball games as he can, regardless of the quality of the teams, or the quality of the games.

Honest.

2006-10-04T05:08:00.000-04:00

Things The Ford isn't quite clear on...

1.) Why the good folks at the coneys in the 313 insist on serving oyster crackers with their bowls of chili.

2.) Why The Ford is so keen on bowls of chili at coneys in the 313.

3.) How to tell what a drunk girl is thinking.

4.) Who put the holes in the takeout container his slice of pie/cake from aforementioned coney was put in?

5.) How much The Ol' Grammar Professor would've hated that last sentence fragment.

6.) And that one.

7.) How to tell what a sober girl is thinking.

8.) Why he's willing -- and, indeed, sometimes eager -- to work 33 hours in a 36-hour period.

9.) If Tim McCarver is the most sadistic mofo on the face of the earth.

No, seriously, this needs more explanation. It wasn't enough to Tim Motherfuckin' McCarver, who still L-U-V-S the Yankees even though they fired his ass a couple of years ago, to be satisfied with ripping on the Tigers for not being as good as the Yankees. For five innings.

No, around the sixth, he decides to remind his viewing audience that the Tigers also lost five straight games entering the playoffs. Twist the knife more.

And then, when Joe Buck brought up that one of the other teams to do that was the 1987 Twins, who just happened to win the World Series, McCarver brought up the team the Twins beat in the ALCS: The Tigers.

Fucker.

Now, some blame here goes to Buck, 'cause no exchange goes this well without being rehearsed, but, still, y'know, the Tigers (in the words of Buck) "have been the best story in baseball this season."

And McCarver rips them for three hours.

Fucking McCarver.

Anyway...

10.) No, that's it. Just 9. Fuckin' McCarver.

2006-10-01T04:04:00.000-04:00

Sigh.

Is there a team The Ford hates more than USC?

Well, yes, actually.

But that's pretty much it.

Now, Th e Ford tends to forget this sometimes, right around BCS bowl time, when USC is the lone team defending the honor of the Pac-10.

At that time, well, The Ford's gotta rally around the Trojans.

But every other time?

USC must go down, and they must go down hard.

Especially during their visit to Pullman, a rarity in and of itself.

So, of course, The Ford was forced to fight for ownership of a TV at The Official Newspaper. Not even the promise of seeing WSU's new uniforms was a deal-sealer.

And, of course, once again, The Official Football Team lost.

No, they didn't lose bad; even The Ford had to be a bit optimistic as the Cougs refused to fold after giving up a 17-play, 8-minute drive.

But still, would it kill the Cougs to win one of these things? Beating Idaho, Baylor and Stanford is nice, but beating a good team would be, y'know, awesome. (especially in October, where, quoteth the Seattle Times: "The Cougars now enter the scary month of October in which they haven't won a game since 2003. They were 0-9 in 2004-05. The Cougars went 3-0 in October in 2003 on their way to the Holiday Bowl.")

(By the way, is it weird to face the Trojans one week, and the Beavers the next? Seems a bit odd. Maybe the Cougs could schedule the Gamecocks next season, too.)

Thus Endeth The Official Happy-Go-Lucky Portion of the program. Now, onto the bile.

Especially if that team was Fucking USC. Fucking USC that somehow gets a holding call overturned without a review, when everyone in the fucking country could see that, yes, there was holding, and yes, it was on both sides of the fucking player.

Fucking Trojans. Fucking Trojans. Fucking Trojans.

Seriously, The Ford could type -- not copy and paste, but actually TYPE -- that phrase for 10 minutes and it wouldn't sum up how pissed he is at USC.

Fucking Trojans.

7. Official. Things. To. Hate. About. The. Trojans. (None of which are probably in this book that The Ford has not read. Though, yes, he hates USC. Though he would have called it "The Ford Fucking Hates Fucking USC." Might not have sold as many books, but, well, The Ford would have bought a couple.)

1.) Pete Carroll. Moron in the NFL, genius in college.Helps when half od L.A. and San Diego is willing to pay your players for you, The Ford supposes. WSU's still working on getting the farmers on the Palouse out to games...

2.) John David Booty. Go by John. Or David. Or J.D. Whatever. Just pick one. Fucking prick Trojan. Your name is "Booty." No amount of first names is going to change that, and, really, The Ford would know.

3.) That fucking song. You know. The one that goes "Duh da-da-da-da-da-daduh-da-duh." You will burn in hell for that song, USC, based on the number of times it's gotten stuck in people's heads. (Unlike The Official Fight Song....)

3a.) Let's point out this site, which fairly rocks for fight songs. Though what's up with Cal having, like, 20? Pick one, and move on. Even Fucking USC managed to narrow it down a bit.

4.) This has nothing to do with either 3 or 3a, but it's an important note from Amazon.com: "On top of all this, USC counts the most Major League baseball players, the most baseball Hall of Famers, the most All-Stars and various dominant players. Despite not being known for basketball, a disproportianate number of Trojans from the 1940s and '50s are considered hoops pioneers. The "triangle offense" was invented at SC, and such stalwarts as Bill Sharman, Alex Hannum and Tex Winter played together before induction in Springfield. USC also boasts the most Olympians, the most Olympic champions, and if they had been a country in 1976, they would have placed third in total medals at the Montreal Games. "

Of course, had Fucking USC been a country in 1976, The Ford would like to believe we might have bombed the shit out of them for taking all our medals, and taught those fuckers a lesson.

5.) Somehow, USC managed to avoid visiting Pullman for about 20 years, instead playing WSU in either L.A., Seattle, or Spokane. Fucking Trojans. Get on a fucking bus, and come down to the Palouse. Or are you too scared to, because you might actually have to fight to win a game on the Palouse, like you did Saturday. Fucking USC.

6.) Some notable USC alums hated by The Ford, you ask? How about Jeff Smulyan, the man who kept trying to move the Mariners seemingly every year in the 1980s, the man Major League Baseball wouldn't LET own the Nationals. (And keep in mind, this is a business that lets Jeffrey Loria own, like, three teams, and threaten to move them all over the place when they inevitably crater. But no Jeff Smulyan anymore.)

7.) It's USC. You don't need a fucking reason to fucking hate Fucking USC.

Fucking Trojans.